Guilty!!
I don't know how many years ago, I read a book called "Motherhood, the guilt that keeps on Giving". At the time, it was a pretty low key book for me. I really didn't have any guilt. I really didn't see myself EVER even feeling guilty. It's not that I didn't get anything out of the book, I did. It had some really great information. I've recommended it often and I know it has probably helped many a mommies get over some hurdles. Today, for the first time in my 11 year's of motherhood, I feel guilty!

Funny because the reason I am in this "guilty state" is because I made a decision that I know will be best for our family in the long run. It stems back to our move several months ago. You see, we had lived in our old neighborhood for 8 years. One house for 6 years and our last house for 2. When we moved after our 6 year stay we downsized drastically and left our neighbors we absolutely adored. It was OK because we were still staying in our same school and upgrading with a pool and a beautiful yard, among other things. It gave us opportunity to let Josh pursue his dream..... so it was worth it. When we made this last move however, we've changed EVERYTHING! The reason? Well, many, but the main one is that with Emma changing to middle school and it being traditional and our old Elementary school being year round we had like 2 weeks that we could all be off together. It doesn't sound that bad until you figure in how long we have kids in school. Seriously, when Tait starts school Kayela will be going into 5Th grade! (gasp! for affect) So, for the next oh...say...40 years we'll be juggling schedules! Not happening! It's just insane to me. Makes sense with the family of 4 who is juggling 2 or 3 years but not us!

When we moved we had only a couple areas that we felt "worthy" of having our children...(pause for laughter).... Oh, and a school that was on a traditional schedule. When we chose our current neighborhood it was because the school is rated so high and has a great track record in our district. It has highly experienced teachers and has been around since dirt. After today at registration, I still feel GREAT about our school choice. I just feel like the worst mom in the world for moving my poor kiddos, not only from their neighborhood (where we brought 4 of our babies home to) but their friends, school, neighbors, etc. you name it the guilt is there over it! They were so nervous and Mihya was holding back tears the whole time. I began to think "what if Kaidon turns into more of an introvert?", "what if someone is mean to them and no one knows them to help them be defended","What if there was a real emergency, and they can't even look and find a familiar face". I know I've mentioned I am not a crier and I'm still not but I almost..sniff, sniff....shed a tear today. REALLY! Emma even asked "who are you?" as I was talking about this emotional transition. Do not get me wrong, I am confident we have done the "right" thing, it just doesn't mean today was easy on me, and it may get worse before it gets better(for God's sake they are riding a bus. A BUS! I've always walked or driven them to school! I only have 2 more days before they start this new chapter).

The catcher! Here's the catcher! I DID NOT MAKE THIS DECISION ALONE! So why is it, that as a mommy, I am feeling so guilty? It's really, quite frankly, insane! Crazy thing is, we all do this too! How many times have you heard a mom in turmoil over something while the decisions leading up to the turmoil were not her decisions alone? For me, I have talked many friends off of ledges over decisions they made with a spouse or decisions that were made that were totally out of their control that they now feel guilt over. Now, you see, it is my turn on the ledge and I am so glad that I remember reading that book and can go find it somewhere (if you're reading this and happen to be the person I lent it to, please bring it to me. Because although I remember reading the book I can't for the life of me remember who I loaned it to!) . Seriously, why is it so hard when I know the kids and our family will be better for this in the long run? Maybe the answers lie in the book I read so long ago. Maybe this is just part of the whole "motherhood" deal. Who knows? All I know is that my new mission is to FIND THAT BOOK!