NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO....THERE YOU ARE!

Today I have my first ever guest blogger. I think you'll want to hear from him, happy reading.

First off, I am beside myself excited that Ambyr has allowed me to be a guest writer on “the BLOG.” It almost feels like being on Oprah. Not that I would know what that feels like, but I bet it feels a lot like this.

So really I have so much to share, but Ambyr says “this is a BLOG, not a book” so I will do my best to be informatively short.

First of all, Ambyr is and always will be my best friend in this World. When I met Ambyr almost 17 years ago I knew from the start there was something very different about her. As we dated, I knew that she was going to be someone that I never wanted to loose hold of. I also knew that I needed her to know me for who I was, sooner than later, or I would end up hurting someone that I knew was perfect in my sight. Just weeks into our dating, I told Ambyr about this “burden” that I lived with. I will never forget, she didn't bat an eye, and said in her own way of saying things “nothing you say will scare me away.”

After hearing that, I did what I knew to be the best thing to do. I went and bought her an engagement ring. As y’all know, she accepted my proposal.

The love that I experienced from Ambyr at that moment, and still to this day, was indescribable. From the time that I was twelve years old, to that moment, I was hiding this. Never in a million years did I think I could tell anyone that I was “damaged goods” and have them show me love. Ambyr made me feel a way that no one ever had. As you can all see now, she continues to do this for me today. We both moved into our future under the assumptions that somehow this piece would fade and we’d be great. It worked for a very long time too. Ambyr and I have been married 15 years 9 months and 5 days today, I would not trade one minute of it for anything.

I’m sure you’re all wondering how I got to this place. Well, it all began for me when I was just twelve years old. I knew that without a doubt, there was definitely something different about me. I knew that, based on the people in my life and my surroundings, this “something” was very wrong! I just needed to keep it to myself and man up and move on. So I did just that. Truly, I believed in my heart of hearts that I was doing the right thing. Sadly, this decision has brought me to deaths door step on many occasions. I have spent twenty-three years trying to “pray away” or “succeed away” this very broken part of me. I have spent the last twenty-three years thinking that if I did or said certain things that it would disappear. I even moved my family across the country with this ridiculously grand idea that I was going to leave this part of me in Denver.

It was just 18 months ago that we crossed the state line form Colorado into Kansas as we were headed to the South. As I crossed that state line, I said to myself “Joshua that part of you is staying in Denver” I was relieved that he was gone and every mile we drove was one mile further away from this huge burden. I am not sure where I saw logic in this because I had tried things like this many, many times in my life and that part of me always seemed to follow me. So, as you can imagine, when I got to the South and back up and running, about 8 months in he knocked on my door. However, this time the knock was much louder and harder, and devastation had hit me hard. This is without a doubt the closest I have come to throwing in the towel on life. How could this be? How can I move 2,000 miles away to a place where I know nobody and have a fresh start and it found me? This horrible burden had hunted me down again.

It was always different things that would get him to knock. When the Ted Haggard scandal came out, I was knocked down. I had a friend in 2006 tell me he was gay and that knocked me down. When there was a huge run of teen suicides for being bullied, down I would go. There would be periods where it seemed like everywhere I went and everyone I was with just made constant jabbing and derogatory remarks about gay people and that would be small little jabs on my heart. Don't get me wrong, its not like this was a daily, weekly or even monthly thing. I was pretty under control and had many other things to distract me. I mean, thats how I have rolled now for twenty-three years. I have been very good at chasing opportunity and success to help me avoid the reality of who it is that I really am. The problem is that every time I would achieve the goal I had at hand, I left empty and broken. So on to the next thing I would chase, hoping and praying that this would be the thing to help me get away. The more time that has gone on, the harder this has become. Ambyr, on many occasions, has been there to talk me down and support me. This time was different. This time was big. Here I was in the middle of a city 2000 miles away from the only life that I had known and had run so swiftly away from. Here I was in the same spot I had found myself so many times before. I was succeeding at ridiculously high levels, was searching for myself and came up empty once again. This time, I needed to get help outside of Ambyr. I needed to let down my walls and tell a someone what was going on. I needed to find someone who had been where I was to help me find my way. This fear was overwhelming beyond words. So once again Ambyr was there to help me find this information, and these people, and once again she herself was doing all that she could to find or learn something that would help me.

There is so much that I could share about the journey that I have been on over the last twenty-three years, and more so the last 10 months. As I settle down, and learn to love who it is that I am, and get comfortable in my own skin, I will completely open the doors to my heart and mind in hopes to not only help people find their way in life, but also to help me continue on my journey.

You hear on every flight you go on, “In the event of an emergency, please place your air mask on before assisting other passengers”. They have you do this for one simple reason. If you can’t breath, you are no longer helpful to anyone else. Well I didn't do that in life, in fact, my plan was to just run up and down the isle ways of life and get everyone else situated with their mask. On occasion, I would rip the mask of someone and take a breath for myself. If ever this has been you that I ripped that mask off for my own benefit and I caused you any harm, pain or even discomfort, please forgive me. It was and is never my intention to cause harm. I do have a burning desire to help everyone get there air masks on, and assist them in living a life of happiness. However, I am no longer going to go about it the way I have in the past. Quite simply, I have spent the last 10 months working diligently to get my air mask on, and while right now I can say it’s on, I still need to tighten the little straps so I can move about freely to assist others on this flight we call life.

I have been telling people two simple phrases for the last 5 years. One is, “If your not happy where you’re at, you wont be happy when you get there.” The second, “No matter where you go, there you are.” I now, finally, hear my own words. I am ready, willing and able to apply them to my life.

So into the future I head. I’m filled with fear,excitement,sadness and joy all mixed together. Just knowing I have Ambyr in my life and by my side helps me to know that I can face anything.