I Chose Love

It is 17 days from being a year ago that our end was painstakingly evident. I am filled with hurt beyond your wildest imagination, awe that I’ve made it 348 more days when I’d felt like I was slowly dying, and pride knowing that everyday I made the decision to not let this “get me.” Over and over throughout this year I have been asked “how?” How can I stand by Josh. How do I keep a smile on my face? How do I not get angry? How do I continue loving him? How are the kids? How am I? How do I see our future? In a nutshell, just “how?”

I’m not sure I can fully convince you, or myself for that matter, that I had made a conscience decision on “how?” the day my world as I knew it was clearly going to be changed. No, I can’t tell you I calmly had the inner talk with myself and eloquently decided “how?” I didn’t look myself in the mirror and say “Ambyr, this is how you’re going to handle this! Ambyr, you will be doing ‘x,y and z’. ” Although, I do remember giving myself an ultimatum, an ultimatum that either I am who I say I am, or I’m not. Not just to Josh, but to myself and this world. Since then, I’ve found a great quote that I hope someday to put in my own words and hold as my mantra in life. It goes, “Trusting oneself to act with integrity remains an abstract exercise until real life challenges arise.” To say “real life challenges” arose for me, is an understatement of sorts.

I know, because some of you are even bold enough to tell me, that I may not be doing what you think I should be doing to take care of myself, my family and my relationship with Josh. I know that some of you have said to yourself that you’d be doing things so differently, and you actually can convince yourself that your way would be the “right” way. Sadly, I know that many of you have had long-winded conversations about what I am doing, how I am doing it and why I am doing it, with someone other than myself, and again, you convince each other that your way would be the “right” way to handle the situation. Just remember my little quote and realize that it’s “an abstract exercise until real life challenges arise” for you! Trust me, I get how you can think you’d do something, when in actuality, you might very well do the opposite if ever faced with that real life circumstance. Fortunately, for me and my family, I am doing the polar opposite of what I said I would do had I ever been faced with my reality. How? I really don’t know.

Had I ever acted solely on my feelings and every emotion that surfaced, we would be a hot mess right now. I have felt everything under the sun in the last 348 days. I can’t tell you for one second that I have always been in control, because that would be an absolute lie. I don’t believe it is even possible for a person to have everything together all the time. I can tell you though, and Josh would verify, that it took me only a few minutes of uncontrollable sobbing before telling myself I needed to make a choice. I had to stand up and decide that I would act with integrity. That I would be exactly who I claim I am. I guess that is the best way I can answer the “how?”

There comes a time in life when you just have to get up and make a decision. Where you put all your fears and “what if’s” behind you and you start moving in the direction that seems to be best at the time. For me, then, and now, I chose to love Josh right where he was at for the person I always knew him to be. Instantly, I chose to love. Did I have any answers concerning my family and our future? No. Did I know why this was all happening? No. Did I understand it all? No. Could I answer the question about homosexuality and hell and the bible? No. Did I need too? No.

You see, my choice wasn’t to uncover the answers, or to save myself from hurt. My choice wasn’t to protect myself from heartache and embarrassment or to blame. My choice was to love my best friend. End of story. I chose to love Josh when he wasn’t very lovable. I chose to love Josh when I was hurt. I chose to love Josh when he wasn’t even acting like himself. I chose to love Josh while I watched my kids fall apart. I chose to love Josh when the dreams I’d had were torn from me. I chose to love Josh when people were telling me to run. I chose to love Josh when I was left to answer the tough questions from our kids, family and friends. I chose to love Josh through his excitement about the future. I chose to love Josh through my fears of never finding the love I deserve. I chose to love Josh through broken commitments and half truths. I just chose that love was the focus at the forefront of my mind. If at the end of the day I could look back and confidently say “I loved him the best I knew how at every given moment” I wholeheartedly felt like we would be OK, better than OK, we would be great! Anytime things would get tough loving Josh was my focus, loving Josh is how I’ve gotten through all of this.

I don’t say all of these things to put myself on a pedestal, or to make Josh out to be some sort of monster. I only say all of what I am saying because I want to be clear that we all get to choose how we are going to react to the choices that the people around us make. I am not perfect, I have let my feelings and emotions take over my actions so many times throughout this. Countless times we have made huge progress forward in our relationship just to have me single handedly push us back ten steps. I regret each time that I have, and yet I acknowledge I am human and can not stay on track every step of this process.

I don’t claim to know where you are at, at this moment in time. I have not walked in your shoes, felt the pain you have felt or lived with your insecurities. I will not act as though I know how I would react in your particular situation, and as I said before “Trusting oneself to act with integrity remains an abstract exercise until real life challenges arise.” I do, however, want to challenge you on something for your own life, because somehow, someway, it has helped me in this tough time. I really want you to think about your biggest struggle right now. Maybe your husband is not gay like mine; maybe it’s your kids, your job, your neighbor, yourself or any number of things I can’t predict. I challenge you to choose to love the people involved. I challenge you to acknowledge your hurt, pain, sadness, loss, fears, insecurities, disbelief, and any other emotion that arises, and choose to still love. To realize we are all humans, none of us are perfect and all of us deserve to have unconditional love. Acknowledge that just because someone else is handing you something you didn’t plan for, does not mean that you are any less capable of loving them where they are at, and for who they have always been to you. Now is the time to not let someone else’s actions dictate your reaction.

I look back on my life now and realize how many times I’ve let my own selfish emotions get in the way of my choice to love someone where they were at. How many times a relationship has been severed just because I chose not to continue loving someone. I don’t want you to confuse loving someone as loving their mistakes, actions, faults and flaws. Trust me, I don’t love all of Josh’s actions in this, but I do LOVE Josh. I won’t dwell on the past, but for me in the future, I hope to take this concept into all my meaningful relationships. I wonder where I would be today had I chosen to just continue loving the people I said I loved, in spite of the choices they were making. Better yet, I know exactly where my family would be right now had I chosen to do anything other than loving Josh, like I had promised I loved him, for the past 17 years.

So, to answer the “how?” questions, I guess to sum it all up, I choose to love. 348 days ago I chose subconsciously to love my best friend, to not make this about me and our family but to just love him where he was at. From now on, I have the same choice in all my important relationships. It will no longer be a choice I fall upon, but instead, a premeditated decision that..........

Today, I choose to love.

One Way Street

Josh and I spend much of our week downtown working at various coffee shops. I am usually writing or editing on my computer while Josh meets, consults and coaches. I love it down there. I love the energy I get just being surrounded by people. I’m not even really a people person either. I used to hate going downtown, until King street in
charleston South Carolina. If you have never been, add it to your list of places to see before you die. I absolutely adore the charm, the cobblestone streets, historic buildings, and energy of the thousands of tourists who crowd the sidewalks. Now, Denver is unlike Charleston, and I get that, but once I fell in love with Charleston and we frequented King street, I couldn’t help but long for that energy when we moved back to Denver.

Monday was a day that Josh and I were downtown working. Emma had come with us because she is a budding photographer and we needed some pictures added to our website. The girl has talent (go check out our website www.joshuatreeworldwide.com and you will see all the photos she took at the bottom of the page in the photo stream section) so we hired her to find shots of as many different walks of life as she could possibly find. Again, she did an amazing job. From there we went to a coffee shop while Josh consulted with a client, then headed back over to us. We continued working for a few more hours and then Emma and I headed on back home.

If you know Emma and I very well, you know that 90% of the time we are laughing. Laughing at each other, laughing at ourselves, laughing at nothing, just laughing. As we left the coffee shop it was no different. Emma is fluent in sarcasm so she was making snide remarks about everything from how I was walking with my bag, to how I put it in the car, to how I was drinking the last sip of my green tea. When she gets in goofy moods like that I feed her frenzy by doing really bizarre things so she can at least be laughing enough not to talk anymore! I had made a U-turn out of my parallel parking spot and was headed down the street to home as I was laughing at Emma laughing at me. I was not really paying attention. As I turned left on the side street I looked up to see that the street was pretty narrow and a car was headed directly at me. I stopped our goofiness and said to Emma “Is this a one-way street?” to which she replied “I don’t know! I just know that one of you is crazy” then points at me and says “and I choose YOU, mom!” I am now laughing so hard I can’t see straight. Luckily for me, a parking lot was directly to my right so I didn’t have a very awkward situation on my hands passing the car coming at me head on. I pulled into a spot and we laughed until we cried at the chaos of it all, at her witty remark and at my inattention to detail. I wondered if Josh was watching us from inside the coffee shop and the mere thought of that made it even more funny. I’m still laughing my a** off as I type this!

Being the analytic that I am, later I started to relate that incident to my life and to others. Honestly, it’s funny how many times I’ve been cruising down the road of life and realized that I was headed straight for danger. Sometimes, it has been my fault. Maybe I wasn’t watching the warning signs, or maybe I was focused on other things. Either way, more times than not, I have been rescued by a “parking lot.” Other times, it was some other driver on the road that veered off course and was headed for me. Funny thing was, after Emma and I calmed down enough that day to be able for me to move my car from the parking lot, she reminded me that all day I had incidents like this. Not that I was constantly going the wrong way on a one way, just little annoyances with my driving. As we were first headed to meet up with Josh, we were detoured from construction work that was going on. Then we finally met up with Josh and as we got to him, and climbed out of the car, he changed the location we were going to go to. Then, as we followed him down the road to our final destination, he was driving at a snails pace because he was on his cell phone and distracted. We finally made it downtown and our luck was finally looking up when we found a parking meter.....uh, it just happened to be way further from our meeting place than we realized. Emma was right, all day I had my patience and luck pushed where driving was concerned. I wasn’t crying or beat down or burdened by it, I was actually unaffected because we still made it to everywhere we were headed.

This past year, I have had my patience and luck pushed with life in general. Many times, like Emma and I experienced, I have been able to laugh at my circumstances, be thankful for what could have been tragic, but wasn’t, and acknowledge that being crazy is something I can embrace. The road in life is sometimes marked with detours, I am pretty sure I’m on one right now. The great thing about a detour is that it’s sole purpose is to repair the old road and get you back on track to your destination. I believe that is what is happening now. A detour. Repairing our old path, but still headed in the right direction to our final destination. Will we hit pot holes? I’m sure. Will one of us be moving so slow the other gets impatient? Of course. Will Josh or I or the kids start heading down the road the wrong way? possibly, but seven other people are here to point their fingers in your face, call you crazy and show you to the closest parking lot.

I don’t think that we can predict what will happen in our future fully. I don’t think I can control the other drivers on the road. I just know that as long as I am paying attention to reaching my final destination, with Josh and the kids by my side, I can handle the little annoyances of my journey and be grateful I am always headed the right direction.

Defining Me

Today I haven’t gotten out of bed yet and I should be feeding my kids lunch by now. Luckily to them, on days when I just don’t “show up” to be their mom they have free reign of the house and pantry so they aren’t too effected by my lack of presence. I used some excuse when a friend called me that I was sitting in bed “working” on my computer. In all actuality, I just can’t get out of bed. No one really knows how much I hurt. I hope no one ever will. It is hard to even put into words the pain in all of this. The pain in knowing that what I dreamed, planned and worked at that is now gone is unbearable at times. Yes, the most important aspect, our friendship, is still here and is unshakable but that doesn’t stop the pain of all that is lost.

I had lunch the other day with one of the greatest friends I have, and have had for over ten years now. She knows me inside and out, flaws and all. While we sat talking and I was catching her up on the latest and not so greatest parts of my life she looked at me and said “each time I don’t hear from you for a couple of days I have wishful thinking that somehow everything is back to better”. No, not the case as much as I have the same wishful thinking. I have not had many days of not getting out of bed, considering the trauma, I should seriously be in a mental institution by now. Yeah for me that I’m not.

Days like today I repeatedly say things to myself to help me take one more breath, to smile one more smile, to write one more blog post, to kiss one more set of sticky lips. I tell myself the things that will reassure me that my problems, my situation, my hurts, my failures, my heartbreak and my pain do not define me. I am so much bigger than all of this. I have so much more to life than just his one piece.

I am a runner.

Although I just started a year ago, I love running. It helps me clear my head, helps me set and reach a goal every day, and keeps my butt from catching back up with me. Honestly, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think “I am a runner” would come out of this mouth. I am a runner though. I hope to someday run another half and even a full marathon. I have slacked here recently just trying to get on a good routine but I still managed to get in great mileage last week and have a plan for next week. So, I’m not just defined by this trauma but I am also a runner.

I am a blogger

I started this blog in 2007. When I started I wasn’t even really sure what I was going to write about or if anyone but Josh would read it and laugh at my life with me. Luckily for me people did read it and encouraged me to keep going. I get a kick out of my google analytics, especially when all of you from other countries show up on my visitor map. When anyone leaves a comment I want to do a little dance, but I wouldn’t be so mean to those around me by subjecting them to my dancing. More than anything, in all of this life drama I’ve needed blogging. It’s great to get things off my chest and to hear the encouragement I am getting. It does make me want to get out of bed, even if I jump right back in with my laptop. Again, I am not all about making sure I am holding my head high, I am not defined by that alone but I am a blogger as well.

I am a mom

When I got pregnant with Emma all those years ago now, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I had wanted to be a mom my whole life. Growing up, I was the neighborhood mommy. I knew where every baby and toddler in a three block radius was located and I had nailed down their moms work schedules so I could be at their house when they most wanted some relief. I love kids. I love my kids. They make me laugh until my sides hurt, they give me so much to be thankful for and they are a great reminder of the life I’ve shared with Josh. They are the most time consuming, stressful, selfish, even crazed little beings, but the pay off is all worth every sacrifice and every bead of sweat poured out. I love being a mom. I will always be a mom, even while I’m insecure and needy and wanting to throw in the towel, I am not just defined by those things but I am a mom.

I am a friend

Being a friend is the most important thing that I am. I consider myself to be a good friend. It doesn’t sound like a very “motherly” thing to say that the most important role to me is friend...ok, I’m fine with that, sorry to disappoint. I am a friend who is loyal, trust worthy, compassionate and forgiving. I screw up a lot. I am selfish and stupid at times. Josh of course, is the best friend I have ever had. He screws up too a lot more than me (....heehee! I’m kidding) and he is selfish and stupid. Although, nothing has ever compared to what I have in him and what he has in me. I’ve not given anyone else as much of myself as I have given him and continue to give him. We tease that we are Oprah and Gail .......I’m Oprah of course! ******side note: Josh it’s in writing on the internet now so I consider this battle won***** No, really, I will give him whatever role he wants to play as long as we stay “us”. The great thing is, it doesn’t matter to either of us (ok, maybe just a little). Gail and Oprah, Thelma and Louise, Bert and Ernie, Chip and Dale, Walt and Roy.......none of them compare to Josh and Ambyr. In all of this I am not just defined by depression, gay and divorce I am still a best friend.

I am so many things. Things including daughter, neighbor,divorced, writer, OCD, scrap booker, liberalist, ex-wife, unsure, driven and accepting just to name a few. Some things I can be proud of and hop right out of bed and share with the world. Other things I am sad, embarrassed, humiliated and perfectly comfy keeping my head on the pillow and my face buried in the sheets over. It’s my choice what I focus on, I know that. Hopefully today is just one of the very few days that I choose the ladder, my kids wont last long on left over birthday cake and chips.