Excuses, Excuses!

I’m admittedly an excuse giver. Yup, true story. You see, I realized this “issue” when Graysie was about 3 years old. I caught myself telling someone that I was overweight because I’d “just” had a baby. Keep in mind, Graysie was 3......oh, AND (minor detail)....... she was adopted! Looking back, I suppose the only person I had fooled was myself. However, it did work, for awhile. You see, it was just way too hard for me to admit that I was eating like crap and didn’t do anything that might constitute as exercise. As embarrassing as it is now, I honestly have to say that I told dozens of people without so much as a blink of the eye that I had “just” had a baby. When I finally confronted myself with the fact that this was just too absurd to say anymore, the sarcasm began. I then went on for years cracking jokes about how I had “just” had a baby because Kayela (who was also adopted) was just entering 3rd grade, duh! It wasn’t until I had lost 25pounds a few pounds that I could finally say out loud how ridiculous my excuse was. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was way to humiliated to say that I liked complaining about my weight; but I certainly didn’t want to change my lifestyle to get me back in shape. 

 This isn’t the only excuse I rode the wave of for far past its prime either. No, when trying to cover up my OCD ways I often would (and still may sometimes) say that “ I just feel like the kids are so much more at peace in a clean environment.” The reality of that one, I like it clean! I like to know where things are, I like to feel like I am in control of a little something in this world, and I feel like if something is out of place that I am a terrible homemaker. It isn’t about the kids at all, but who wants to admit that you are selfish and looking out for number one while making everyone else miserable in the process? Certainly not me! Yet, I still do it and it is a habit that may have subsided a little, but not fully. If I were not an excuse maker, I suppose I would just admit that I don’t really care if having a clean house isn’t conducive to living with ten kids. I’m sure I would be able to say proudly that I am in charge and I get to make the rules in my home, and for those who don’t like it, they can do it however they want when they are in their own homes. Will I ever change my OCD ways? Doubt it, because my dad was OCD....(another excuse brewing that I have used as a crutch for 30 something years for many things not related to cleanliness) ......most likely no, not ever. 

 My most recent excuses consist of “I’ve just gone through a hard divorce”, “I just got engaged”, “I am in the middle of planning a wedding”, “We are trying hard to blend a family”, “I am the mother of ten kids”, “She/He is one of ten”, “We just got married”, “We just got divorced”, “because of my past.....”, “because of his past......”, These are just a few of the many I throw out there on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t lie, it’s all truth but is it the real underlying “reason” in said situation....maybe not. Right now I feel like they are legitimate excuses, perhaps someday they will be the brunt of my sarcastic jokes.

Being an excuse giver hasn’t served me well in my personal relationships. That is why, I continue to be hurt over and over again by the same people. Instead of me saying “hey, that really made me feel terrible” I vent to Chad about how “pissed” I am. The reality is, I’m not pissed, I’m defeated, rejected and hurt. I continue to try to “prove” myself to one person in particular. This person is someone I go out of my way to assure that I am on her team, that I care about her well-being, that I won’t bail on her like so many others who should have taken responsibility have. I am there when she needs someone to listen, I am there to provide a stable environment, I am there to defend her and to protect her. I’m there for the tough stuff too, like wash your hands, shower daily, show respect, be appreciative and let me fix your hair. I’m there to say you’re good enough, you are worthy to live your future dream, you can count on me, and that you are fully capable of more than you give yourself credit. I don’t always handle things perfectly, I can admit that. Although, to say I am “pissed” is a lame excuse. Reality is, I fear that my best will never amount to anything. I fear that she will never realize how much I was devoted to her and her well-being. I’m sad just imagining that her constant strong arm against a great bond will indeed effect our long term relationship. I hate to think that I will, no matter how much effort I put in, forever be thought of as someone who stomped on her parade. I am unsettled at the progress so far, to say the least. As much as I am completely rejected and disrespected over and over again, I am determined, and I won’t give any excuses for that. The bottom line truth is, I am hurt. I don’t know why that is so hard for me to say. I guess I’d rather be portrayed as being “angry” than being “weak” so it’s easier to say “I’m so pissed.” Seems a bit psychotic, but if I am psychotic it’s only because.....Oh, never-mind! 

Perhaps if I were to be honest with Chad and the way I feel after this person has said or done the things that cut deep, we could figure out a way to move forward in a positive way. Today, we just had another situation where I said I was “pissed” when I really should have said “to be ignored for four days is hurtful to me” and “I’m trying so hard and yet I am still totally disrespected” and “can you defend me, because when you don’t I feel like you don’t respect me either.” I can’t blame Chad at all for how the situation was handled when I have covered up the reality with some goofy excuse (I still think he should read minds because he is pretty amazing like that!) Maybe giving an excuse hasn’t served me well in this situation. I honestly can’t think of a situation where it has served me well, but it really hasn’t in this one. The excuse thing is pretty common for our society and I am not blind to that or going to beat myself up too badly over it. I am sure it will always be a part of who I am, however, I’m going to work towards being more aware of the underlying feelings in each situation. (That isn’t to be read as “I will be a blubbering crying fool”) I’m going to focus on not reacting. Instead, when it’s important, I need to give things some real thought so I can express my fears instead of covering them up. I need to let down my guard a bit. Only then can I fully overcome all that life throws my way. Just don’t be too shocked when I’m using “I just got married” for the next 30 years or so!

Wedding Day

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Starting over

Starting over is hard, especially when it is something that has meaning and substance.  Sometimes starting over is the best thing in the world, but it doesn’t make it easy and when you’re in the middle of your “do over” it gives little reassurance.  

The past few years have been a huge time of growth for all of us.  The changes we have endured were none that we could anticipate, plan for or even imagine. The things we thought we knew, we realized quickly we didn’t. Some of the friendships and people we thought would stand united with us unraveled before our eyes.  Many of the decisions we were confident we would make faltered and we chose to make others.  Some of the changes were unrecognizable if we analyzed them daily.  Some of the changes were abrupt and shook us to the core. Now, looking back at where we started and the place we are currently, it is easy to realize we are so far from where we began.  We have rallied together, cheered each other on and sometimes had the heart to heart talks that we dreaded needing to have.  The words sometimes came easy and other times no matter how hard we tried to soften them, they stung and brought pain and hurt.    In the end, my family has stood, it has changed but it has stood.

Sometimes right in the middle of wishing time could stop so my heart could catch up something amazing would happen to give me the strength to keep moving forward.  Chad was definitely the most amazing gift I received in the middle of this not so perfect twist in the story of my family.  Not only has he been amazing to me but he has been an amazing asset to the kids’ lives.  Can I confidently say I knew from the start he was “the one”, no.  Can I say I welcomed the change, nope.  Can I say that everything was wonderful and birds chirped each time we kissed, ummmm, huh uh.  However, I can say that I knew pretty quickly that this relationship was worth any amount of effort I could give.  Almost two years into it, I am sure it has been one of the greatest gifts that I have allowed myself to accept.  

Saying goodbye to a past I gave my everything to is tough.  When I thought I was working towards forever, to have it shift was not easy.  Watching the people I cared about most fall apart before me was heart wrenching, especially when there was nothing I could do to make it better.  Trying to look strong when I felt incredibly helpless was not an easy task.  I still cherish everything that I gained in my relationship with Josh.  To say it wasn’t worth it would be to say that my six kids and all the life we lived wasn’t worth it, and it was, it so was.  Some of the greatest things I have today are because of the past I had and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.   However, my future looks amazing and there were some days that I was convinced I would NOT be able to say that.  Each step into my future is a step further from my past.  Some of those steps are easier than others. Admittedly,  I still have hard days as much as I am so thankful for the life I have with all these kids and Chad.     

Saturday Chad and I tie the knot. Not to mark the start of our relationship, but to recognize the bond that already exists between the two of us.  I am more than overwhelmed with excitement for what the future of our family will bring.  I love everything that Chad and I stand for and the faith that we each have in our relationship. Some of the most basic things that we were both deprived of in our past we bring to our future.  It will not come easy, we both know that, and it’s a risk we are willing to take. I am reminded of a quote when I think about one of the big lessons I have learned in  all of this:

 “Sometimes what you spend years building can be destroyed in a day, build anyway!” 

 That is exactly what I will continue to do.....build, build build.