Resolutions

It’s the time of year that always has my mind wandering with what changes and additions I want for the upcoming year. As with many of us, life gets busy and I can’t say I tend to focus on each and every thing I decide on December 30th sounds like a good plan for the year ahead. However, one of the things that our family has done for several years is dream boards. The kids tend to focus on what they “want” and cut out pictures in magazines of the coolest remote control car or the pair of boots they saw the newest teen star wearing. Usually, I have wild dreams like getting voted mother of the year all while I open up my new orphanage in Africa and train for my 12 marathons that will be completed by December 1st so it doesn’t interfere with my Martha Stewart Christmas to which I plan on inviting all the single soldiers. I have great intentions. The reality is that what I say I’m going to do and what actually happens ends up being just slightly off course. This year I am focused on doing several of the things that are top priority to me, the things that have made the dream board for several years but never really got finished....or .....started.  

When I was in the trenches of toddler mommy-hood and up to my eyeballs in the juggle of marriage and kids...and dirty diapers, I started leading a women’s group at the church we were attending. I came to love these women, even though most of us had nothing but this weekly meeting in common. Many of them had raised their children and were in the empty-nester stage; some of them didn’t have children yet; some of them weren’t married; some of them were moms like me; some of them were divorced but all of them were “my ladies.” I would write them letters and emails throughout the week along with my lessons and I heard countless times, “You need to write a book,” to which I would reply, “What would it be about?”

When we adopted Graysie, it was a whirlwind. What takes most people years to accomplish, we had gotten done in nine weeks. When the adoption agency said a home study takes 12 weeks and I told her I only have nine, she laughed in my face. We got it done. When I told people that we would always have an open door policy with Amanda, people said it wouldn’t work. We’ve never had an issue and Graysie is 12. So many times I have heard, “You need to write a book,” to which I would reply, “What would I write about?”  

When Mikael and Kayela joined our family, to say it was a “transition” is an understatement. RAD isn’t so rad after all. People said, “You should write a book,” to which I would reply, “What would I write about?”

My desire to have another baby was still nagging at me. Having babies around is when my heart is at its happiest. Along came Tait, who filled me with so much joy. He was spoiled and happy and I loved the chance I got at being his mommy and loving him to the fullest. When Josh and I lost Tait, it devastated us. Our beautiful baby boy was gone and we mourned and had to see our children suffer a loss that kids should just not have to suffer. As much as I blogged about it, no words could have described the sadness we felt. No one could imagine the tears shed over our little man. Again, people said, “You’ve got to write a book,” to which I replied, “What would I write about?” 

One day we decided we wanted to move. Three weeks later we had picked the spot, packed the house, sold most of our belongings, found the schools and everything lined up to move 2600 miles from home. We waved goodbye and trekked six kids across the country to live in the most amazing place. We explored and played and met amazing people. A year later we moved back home on a whim. Everyone said, “You’ve got to write a book,” to which I replied, “What would I write about?”  

Four months after we got back home, I announced that Josh and I would be getting a divorce. I walked Josh out of the closet and our family stood proudly behind him. We figured out what has meaning and what it feels like to be judged. We realized how tough divorce is on everyone, even when you’ve got the best case scenario. We suffered quietly behind our smiles because what else was there to do? People said, “You’ve got to write a book,” and Josh and I said, “Okay.” We talked to a publisher, we got an outline, we started writing. But I still wondered, “What is this going to be about?”

We started our company, things thrived, people came and we got busy. The book stood still. The business expanded. People said, “Are you still writing a book?”  I would say, “It’s confusing. I’m not sure what it’s going to really be about. Who’s going to read it?” 

Chad and I started dating. Along with Chad came four amazing bonus kids. As awesome as all ten kids are, change is still change. Blending a family is more like a mosh pit of ideas and opinions; people are bound to get hurt. As parents, we try to do what is best for the majority. My idea of best is not always Chad’s idea of best and vice versa. While you’re doing what is best for the majority, it doesn’t make watching one fall apart any easier and we had a lot of that in the beginning. Many tears were shed by all.  People said, “Ambyr, write a book,”  to which I’d reply, “I am too busy to write a book!”

Now that Chad and I are married, the kids have settled into their new daily lives under the same roof and I am finally able to remember my own name, life is funny again. It’s crazy and complicated and not even what I dreamed it would be like, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my kids, I love being the one here everyday getting knocked down (figuratively and literally) because I know when I get back up, everything is worth it. Things happen, life happens, but knowing how hard you’ve worked to be able to look yourself in the mirror and know who you really are is what matters. Who wouldn’t want to read a story like that?

I’ve said I was going to do it, I’ve wanted to do it, I’ve planned on doing it, people have encouraged me for longer than I want to admit to do it. Yet I keep finding reasons why I can’t write a book. At this point, I think life has handed me enough material not to find another excuse. So, while I am whittling down and trying to be realistic about my dream board this year, writing a book is making it on there.....which should tell you all a little about how crazy the previous year’s dream boards have been!

Gossip People, please!!

During the heaviest and hardest of days for me, I remember silently pleading with people to gossip about my situation.  I remember wanting people to talk it up, say what they needed to say and tell everyone they knew to read the blog so they’d be updated.  I remember being terrified to go out in public alone, for fear that I would have to tell my story. One. More. Time.  I can’t explain how draining it was to re-live over and over again the latest, and not so greatest, update on the “Hunt Family.”  If I saw someone out in public who I wasn’t sure had been in the loop, I would dodge them like a bullet. There were times that I would have to gear myself up hours in advance to leave my house, especially when it was kids events like school and sports where I was sure to run into people who knew just enough to be dangerous.  

While I have often said to my kids “people aren’t as interested in you as you think they are or should be”, I really didn’t want that to be the case for me.  I understood that not everyone had such dull lives that they needed to be talking about me and my mess, however, I was tired of telling my own story.  I couldn’t believe that some people hadn’t heard!  I mean seriously, we live in suburbia, went to a mega church, had six kids and ran companies... now he’s gay!!! Why aren’t you gossiping people? I just wanted everyone to instantly know. It was too hard to have to say it again.  When the kids were around was the hardest too because they’d have to hear one more time that their lives were going to be changed forever, it hurt my heart to see them in those situations.  I needed people gossiping.

  Now don’t get me wrong, when other’s would ask “how are things, how are the kids, how are you?” I wasn’t bothered.  I liked knowing people were concerned.  I felt honored that they’d go out of their comfort zones at times to ask.  I was grateful to those who said they’d be there if I needed to talk, and even more grateful to those who actually listened.  For all the friends that went out of their way to call and just let me fall to pieces in front of them over and over again, I won’t forget that.  Words can’t even begin to explain how comforting that was for each and every one of us.  What I’m talking about is not that, what I am talking about are the people who hadn’t heard.  The people who I hadn’t kept in touch with and I had to explain the whole freaking mess to, that was miserable! 

However, even more miserable than that and by far the toughest thing ever was the hate messages I got.  I blogged about one or two.  I hid most of them from Josh and the kids. I was angry at people’s judgement. I laughed on the outside at the ignorance of some, while my mind went crazy.  I was hurt each and every time. 

It was one thing to get those emails that talked about gay and the bible and their view. Great, everyone has an opinion, including me. I can hear you out and agree to disagree and still be respectful and understanding and even friends. It was a completely different thing to get those emails that bashed me and my kids.  Not that I want to play victim here, but really?  How in anyone’s right mind can you blame this on me or my children? With every unsupportive word spoken or written to me I was that much more determined to come out on top.  

Where am I headed with all of this?  Well, to be honest, now over three years later I thought I was done with all that nastiness.....until I got a message in my inbox today.  I was absolutely caught off guard when I started reading, and the message just got more and more righteous as it went, but basically ( and when I say “basically”, I am really technically saying I should use quotations and reference my sources but, I am a nicer person than that.) it went something like this:

You are wrong and completely living a sinful life.  To act as though divorce and re-marriage is something to be celebrated is just another way our society is fallen to the devil and you and people like you are the main contributing factors. I am ashamed I ever called you “friend” and am mortified that our children spent so much time together when they were younger, I should have been a better mother.  Now to watch your facebook posts acting as though moving forward in a new marriage is acceptable has me stunned......

......ummmm, what do I say to that?  How do I respond?  How can I not be hurt and angry over those accusations?  Again, I will not be the victim.  I refuse to play that hand. At the same time, give me a break.  I did, and continue to do, the best I can with what I have been given.  I will not be sorry for moving on.  I will not apologize for being an example to my kids that when life doesn’t go as you plan, start over and do better. I will not be sorry for starting my life over with a man and four bonus kids who I absolutely cherish! I cannot hide my newfound happy, nor should I have to. I refuse to accept that I should be wallowing in self pity for eternity.   I am confident that my decision to support my friend, and the father of my children, while I take care of myself was the best thing for my children.  My response was short and simple, because like I reminded myself over and over as I typed “I get to choose the type of person that I am, no one else decides that for me”  and I told her:

I am happy for your ignorance on this subject, because that means you’ve not been hurt the way I have.  

Then, I unfriended her, cried some more and decided again that I would rather have people like this gossip about me than tell me their opinions. Please people, I’m begging you.... gossip!  I would rather you tell your circle of friends all your opinions about me and my decisions than to drag me into this debate anymore. 

Worst Part Of Mommyhood!!

I think one of the hardest parts of being a mom, is watching my kids hurt.  This week I have watched in anguish over the pain Mihya has felt over the loss of her beloved, Loni.     The pain is like nothing she has ever experienced I am sure.  As her mom, I can’t do a thing to help her and it is gut wrenching to me. 

Sunday night I watched Mihya take in the news from the Veterinarian that her sweet Loni wouldn’t make it another night.  I watched Mihya hold her head high, looking the Dr. in the eye, listening intently, trying to be strong; until she just couldn’t do it a moment longer.  Her whole body collapsed into her hands and she wept silently, body shaking.  As she held Loni in her arms to tell her goodbye I remember thinking that this “being a parent thing” really sucks!  Not for the laundry or the late nights fighting over homework, not for the sneaking out and the calls from other parents, not for the messy house and the endless piles of laundry, not for the money going out the door faster than it comes in.  No, none of those things compare to watching your child suffer, knowing that you just can’t “fix” this one.  

Part of living life, unfortunately, is taking the good with the bad, overcoming, learning from the past and figuring out how to move forward. Most of what life brings, we never see coming and we find ourselves navigating through unfamiliar territory.  As much as I am totally under-qualified for the position of “mamma” my job at the moment is to guide these ten crazies (whom I adore) the best I can.  I just don’t know how you look at your child and gently let them know, that this will most definitely not be their last heartbreak.  I don’t know how to comfort them when my heart is crushed for them.  I don’t know the right words to say or the best action to take when I know the thing that they want can’t be given to them.  Even knowing that death is part of life, I still can’t help but wish the kids wouldn’t have to realize that yet, not now.  I don’t know how to teach them that the world doesn’t stop for one person in pain.  I can’t explain that friends have the right to laugh with each other and share good news with you, even if you aren’t in the mood to hear it. Again, I know I can’t “fix” this and that is the worst part. Just like the kids, I am still learning how to deal with life too.  I’m realizing that life is what taught me these things, and life is what will teach them too, all I can do is watch, listen and love them.  

Real life showed up for Mihya on Sunday night wether I wanted it to or not.  Real life has shown up before and sadly, it will again.  Most of the time I wont be able to do a thing about it, as much as I’d like to think I can.   My hope is that the good outweighs the bad.   That they all come to understand that time heals almost everything.  That they each realize that loving something with your whole heart is worth it, even if it doesn’t last forever. 

Excuses, Excuses!

I’m admittedly an excuse giver. Yup, true story. You see, I realized this “issue” when Graysie was about 3 years old. I caught myself telling someone that I was overweight because I’d “just” had a baby. Keep in mind, Graysie was 3......oh, AND (minor detail)....... she was adopted! Looking back, I suppose the only person I had fooled was myself. However, it did work, for awhile. You see, it was just way too hard for me to admit that I was eating like crap and didn’t do anything that might constitute as exercise. As embarrassing as it is now, I honestly have to say that I told dozens of people without so much as a blink of the eye that I had “just” had a baby. When I finally confronted myself with the fact that this was just too absurd to say anymore, the sarcasm began. I then went on for years cracking jokes about how I had “just” had a baby because Kayela (who was also adopted) was just entering 3rd grade, duh! It wasn’t until I had lost 25pounds a few pounds that I could finally say out loud how ridiculous my excuse was. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was way to humiliated to say that I liked complaining about my weight; but I certainly didn’t want to change my lifestyle to get me back in shape. 

 This isn’t the only excuse I rode the wave of for far past its prime either. No, when trying to cover up my OCD ways I often would (and still may sometimes) say that “ I just feel like the kids are so much more at peace in a clean environment.” The reality of that one, I like it clean! I like to know where things are, I like to feel like I am in control of a little something in this world, and I feel like if something is out of place that I am a terrible homemaker. It isn’t about the kids at all, but who wants to admit that you are selfish and looking out for number one while making everyone else miserable in the process? Certainly not me! Yet, I still do it and it is a habit that may have subsided a little, but not fully. If I were not an excuse maker, I suppose I would just admit that I don’t really care if having a clean house isn’t conducive to living with ten kids. I’m sure I would be able to say proudly that I am in charge and I get to make the rules in my home, and for those who don’t like it, they can do it however they want when they are in their own homes. Will I ever change my OCD ways? Doubt it, because my dad was OCD....(another excuse brewing that I have used as a crutch for 30 something years for many things not related to cleanliness) ......most likely no, not ever. 

 My most recent excuses consist of “I’ve just gone through a hard divorce”, “I just got engaged”, “I am in the middle of planning a wedding”, “We are trying hard to blend a family”, “I am the mother of ten kids”, “She/He is one of ten”, “We just got married”, “We just got divorced”, “because of my past.....”, “because of his past......”, These are just a few of the many I throw out there on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t lie, it’s all truth but is it the real underlying “reason” in said situation....maybe not. Right now I feel like they are legitimate excuses, perhaps someday they will be the brunt of my sarcastic jokes.

Being an excuse giver hasn’t served me well in my personal relationships. That is why, I continue to be hurt over and over again by the same people. Instead of me saying “hey, that really made me feel terrible” I vent to Chad about how “pissed” I am. The reality is, I’m not pissed, I’m defeated, rejected and hurt. I continue to try to “prove” myself to one person in particular. This person is someone I go out of my way to assure that I am on her team, that I care about her well-being, that I won’t bail on her like so many others who should have taken responsibility have. I am there when she needs someone to listen, I am there to provide a stable environment, I am there to defend her and to protect her. I’m there for the tough stuff too, like wash your hands, shower daily, show respect, be appreciative and let me fix your hair. I’m there to say you’re good enough, you are worthy to live your future dream, you can count on me, and that you are fully capable of more than you give yourself credit. I don’t always handle things perfectly, I can admit that. Although, to say I am “pissed” is a lame excuse. Reality is, I fear that my best will never amount to anything. I fear that she will never realize how much I was devoted to her and her well-being. I’m sad just imagining that her constant strong arm against a great bond will indeed effect our long term relationship. I hate to think that I will, no matter how much effort I put in, forever be thought of as someone who stomped on her parade. I am unsettled at the progress so far, to say the least. As much as I am completely rejected and disrespected over and over again, I am determined, and I won’t give any excuses for that. The bottom line truth is, I am hurt. I don’t know why that is so hard for me to say. I guess I’d rather be portrayed as being “angry” than being “weak” so it’s easier to say “I’m so pissed.” Seems a bit psychotic, but if I am psychotic it’s only because.....Oh, never-mind! 

Perhaps if I were to be honest with Chad and the way I feel after this person has said or done the things that cut deep, we could figure out a way to move forward in a positive way. Today, we just had another situation where I said I was “pissed” when I really should have said “to be ignored for four days is hurtful to me” and “I’m trying so hard and yet I am still totally disrespected” and “can you defend me, because when you don’t I feel like you don’t respect me either.” I can’t blame Chad at all for how the situation was handled when I have covered up the reality with some goofy excuse (I still think he should read minds because he is pretty amazing like that!) Maybe giving an excuse hasn’t served me well in this situation. I honestly can’t think of a situation where it has served me well, but it really hasn’t in this one. The excuse thing is pretty common for our society and I am not blind to that or going to beat myself up too badly over it. I am sure it will always be a part of who I am, however, I’m going to work towards being more aware of the underlying feelings in each situation. (That isn’t to be read as “I will be a blubbering crying fool”) I’m going to focus on not reacting. Instead, when it’s important, I need to give things some real thought so I can express my fears instead of covering them up. I need to let down my guard a bit. Only then can I fully overcome all that life throws my way. Just don’t be too shocked when I’m using “I just got married” for the next 30 years or so!

Wedding Day

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Starting over

Starting over is hard, especially when it is something that has meaning and substance.  Sometimes starting over is the best thing in the world, but it doesn’t make it easy and when you’re in the middle of your “do over” it gives little reassurance.  

The past few years have been a huge time of growth for all of us.  The changes we have endured were none that we could anticipate, plan for or even imagine. The things we thought we knew, we realized quickly we didn’t. Some of the friendships and people we thought would stand united with us unraveled before our eyes.  Many of the decisions we were confident we would make faltered and we chose to make others.  Some of the changes were unrecognizable if we analyzed them daily.  Some of the changes were abrupt and shook us to the core. Now, looking back at where we started and the place we are currently, it is easy to realize we are so far from where we began.  We have rallied together, cheered each other on and sometimes had the heart to heart talks that we dreaded needing to have.  The words sometimes came easy and other times no matter how hard we tried to soften them, they stung and brought pain and hurt.    In the end, my family has stood, it has changed but it has stood.

Sometimes right in the middle of wishing time could stop so my heart could catch up something amazing would happen to give me the strength to keep moving forward.  Chad was definitely the most amazing gift I received in the middle of this not so perfect twist in the story of my family.  Not only has he been amazing to me but he has been an amazing asset to the kids’ lives.  Can I confidently say I knew from the start he was “the one”, no.  Can I say I welcomed the change, nope.  Can I say that everything was wonderful and birds chirped each time we kissed, ummmm, huh uh.  However, I can say that I knew pretty quickly that this relationship was worth any amount of effort I could give.  Almost two years into it, I am sure it has been one of the greatest gifts that I have allowed myself to accept.  

Saying goodbye to a past I gave my everything to is tough.  When I thought I was working towards forever, to have it shift was not easy.  Watching the people I cared about most fall apart before me was heart wrenching, especially when there was nothing I could do to make it better.  Trying to look strong when I felt incredibly helpless was not an easy task.  I still cherish everything that I gained in my relationship with Josh.  To say it wasn’t worth it would be to say that my six kids and all the life we lived wasn’t worth it, and it was, it so was.  Some of the greatest things I have today are because of the past I had and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.   However, my future looks amazing and there were some days that I was convinced I would NOT be able to say that.  Each step into my future is a step further from my past.  Some of those steps are easier than others. Admittedly,  I still have hard days as much as I am so thankful for the life I have with all these kids and Chad.     

Saturday Chad and I tie the knot. Not to mark the start of our relationship, but to recognize the bond that already exists between the two of us.  I am more than overwhelmed with excitement for what the future of our family will bring.  I love everything that Chad and I stand for and the faith that we each have in our relationship. Some of the most basic things that we were both deprived of in our past we bring to our future.  It will not come easy, we both know that, and it’s a risk we are willing to take. I am reminded of a quote when I think about one of the big lessons I have learned in  all of this:

 “Sometimes what you spend years building can be destroyed in a day, build anyway!” 

 That is exactly what I will continue to do.....build, build build.