Army Wife In Training

Today I was on base. It is strange to me, and yet, I guess its not that weird. It was the first time I’d ever been through the gates without Chad. Once I tried to get in, but they wouldn’t let me. It’s a completely different story, but I assure you, it wasn’t because I am a criminal or anything.  

I posted on Facebook, “Every time I show the guards on base my I.D., I feel like I’m guilty of something.....”yes, Officer, I do have ten kids!” When someone says my name, I feel like I need to turn around pleading, “IT WASN’t ME, I SWEAR!” While that was a complete joke, my awkwardness of being an Army wife is not.  

I can’t exactly explain how foreign it is to me. I don’t have a dad in the military, I never had friends parents who were in the military and the most contact I ever had with the base was when I would be trying to get from one end of town to another and I’d be pissed because what I thought was a through street, would end up being blocked for the base! Many years of swearing over that and I still can’t remember which roads stop at a damn fence with a guard on duty.  

Anyway, being an ARMY wife is a little bizarre to me. Maybe it’s because Chad talks in acronyms 90% of the time. In one sentence he may have three complete words.  Sometimes I can totally keep up with him, or I’ll make the effort to stop him and ask, “Can you please clarify what ‘I don’t have time to complete this NCOER because the OPTEMPO is so crazy’ means for me please?” Other times I smile and nod and say something like, “Let me know what I can do” because its not worth the time to say again, “Honey, I’m human and don’t process incomplete words like ‘ETA’ at 100 words per minute.” It’s more difficult than you’d imagine, too. While I could probably handle it, I am also trying to decode our children’s texts that consist mainly of capital letters, including WTH, LOL, YOLO and IKR. Then there’s the military time. I need at least 30 seconds to work that one out in my head, especially when it is sandwiched between two acronyms and you’re trying to get me to do something!

The other thing I find very awkward is when we are out in public and Chad is in uniform.  He is looking his best to me when he’s all costumed up (yes, I know it is not a costume; however, it’s what this civilian calls it). There are so many rules of what he should, could, can and can’t do that I am seriously feeling like my sense of security is being threatened. Totally natural things, like leaning over and kissing Chad, I second guess when he’s in uniform. I also just might be a tad-bit bossy and a total rule follower, so things that I am sure of, like, remove your hat when you go inside, I feel like it is my duty to remind Chad of. As if, after all these years, he can’t handle that himself. I seriously am always thinking, “Hope he remembers to remove his hat,” which makes me always at a heightened sense of obligation. I know it is completely ridiculous, but it is seriously tiring for me. While it is totally unnecessary, I feel like I am with a toddler at the Grand Canyon, because God forbid I not be on full alert status, something tragic could happen!

Another thing I am not sure I will ever get used to is the military discount and the graciousness of complete strangers. On more occasions than I can count, while out to dinner or walking down the street with Chad in his uniform, we’ve been approached with a “Thank you for your service.” Now, while Emma and I have taken that statement to the extreme and it is used on a daily basis by her for things such as clean laundry or a favorite meal made, it seriously is one of the things that does fill me with pride. While I can’t claim to have loved and lived with Chad through the times he was deployed or going through some of the toughest training, I am still proud of my soldier and being his wife. I don’t know that I will ever feel comfortable when a stranger stops my husband and asks to pay for our meal or thanks him with a real sincerity. It is gracious and, like I said, I am proud of Chad. Our military deserves to be recognized, but it doesn’t make it any less awkward. 

The waiting game is last, but definitely not least, on my list of ARMY wife awkward situations. Currently, we are waiting for our orders on our next PCS. See that acronym I used there? I can be taught! For all y’all that don’t know, that means “transfer.” I am not sure why because there’s no P or C in transfer....hmmmm! I’ve never liked being told what to do. As a matter of fact, when I was not even two years old, my parents would tell me we were leaving and I would hide from them. It happened so often that they finally attached bells to my shoes because they knew I couldn’t hold my feet still enough to stay hidden for long. I still reply to some of my mom’s texts, “You’re not the boss of me!” to which she will reply, “Noted.” Right now, the ARMY is telling me “it’s time to go, but it’s a big secret as to where you’ll be headed.” I don’t do well with that. Considering I don’t like being bossed around and I don’t like not being in control, right now I am at the mercy of someone else and trusting that our family will end up with the best case scenario. It’s crazy knowing you’re leaving but not being able to plan for the future.  

When I sat down to think about this awkwardness in my new role, I remembered all the other roles I have played in life. I played daughter and little sister, cousin and niece. I’ve played student and teacher. I’ve played mother and friend, wife and lover. I’ve played some not-so-awesome roles like victim, ex-wife and patient. While I thought some of the roles I played came naturally to me, the reality is, none of them have. When being a daughter, I had to be taught how to fill that role, and it is ever changing as new life shows up and the years pass. While being a mom, things seemed natural at some points, like nursing my newborn and loving unconditionally. But when RAD showed up, being a mom was no longer so natural. Being a wife was a ton of work because, the craziest thing is, husbands have an opinion...... strange. What I’ve learned is that each time I fill a role and start living it, it seems to evolve and change. Relationships and roles always require more work than I expect but, at the same time, I gain more than I imagined, so the work ends up being worth it. I can’t say that I have ever lived a role in my life that hasn’t served me well in some way or another, even when I felt like I was doing a terrible job or when I didn’t really want to be playing it. The relationships and roles I have had the experience of living have taught me more than any book, movie or self-help session could have. For that I am grateful. I am sure that I have been able to be more compassionate, laugh more, cry harder and help countless times because I personally have experienced some of the roles I never would have played had I been picking my own part. 

So, this new role is one I will learn to embrace. I am proud to be Chad’s wife and if ARMY has to come in front of it, I am sure I am capable of figuring things out. Maybe someday it will all come naturally. I’ll be inviting you for drinks and you’ll get a text from me, “What’s your ETA? Hopefully, before 1900 because that’s when happy hour ends!” 

First Date

Today marks two years from my first “official” date with Chad. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and looking back now, I find it almost comical that either of us saw the potential of a relationship, because who thinks ten kids under one roof has ever sounded like a good idea?   

Life is about taking chances, which is exactly what I did the night I got on match.com. It was time for a fresh start and I wanted to believe I had some possibility of having a happily ever after. I swore I would never get married again (jokes on me), I swore I wouldn’t date anyone with kids (four is a nice, even number), I swore I would NEVER “wink” or send an email first......no comment there. I had several dates, many phone calls and countless winks from people that were very FAR from a “match” for me. It was a good learning experience, though, and got me in the game again, I suppose. I don’t think I could say I regret any of the trial and error, so to speak, but I just didn’t click with anyone. Many days I remember thinking that I was never going to find anyone to be happy with again.  

The reality is, I had been on match for a few months before I finally saw Chad’s profile.  Honestly, the reason I hadn’t seen him sooner was because I had narrowed my search field down so far that only one man fit in the box, and he married Kate Middleton just a few months later. I read Chad’s profile a couple of times (which really means about a hundred) before I finally (days later) got the nerve up to send a “wink.” I hit send and what promptly followed was me slamming my computer shut and running out of the room as if he had personally witnessed me winking at him. To say I had “nerve” might be a slight exaggeration. Although I don’t recall all the specifics in the next month and a half or so, I do know the one guy I had the courage to wink at.......never responded! 

“What?” you’re saying right now. And here I am vigorously shaking my head “yes” with the “Can you believe that?” look on my face.

It is so cliche and the brunt of almost every single joke our kids come up with regarding our relationship, but I love that they know our story. I guess it makes the fact that he sent me an email on Thanksgiving day that much sweeter. At least that is how I’m going to play it off. You see, from Chad’s perspective, I had winked at absolutely the worst time of year......right in the middle of duck hunting season! The nerve of me, right? Anyway, he knew better than to respond and then not really want to spend the time to build a relationship, so he waited. After that first email he sent, the rest is history. We emailed a few times, texted each other daily and talked for hours on end over the next couple of months. The funny thing is, our kids were our excuses for not making a point of getting together and meeting officially. We both respected each other for that. 

When we finally met, I already knew that, if nothing else, a great friendship was to be had. I never told my kids I was going on a date. Josh was on duty to call me an hour in, just in case a “rescue” was necessary, which it wasn’t. But other than that, no one really knew. Chad wasn’t what I set out looking for, but in a strange way, he was exactly what I needed. I didn’t know that what wasn’t “ideal” was actually perfect for me. I was the first one at the restaurant (Chad was late because he was taking care of dinner for his kids) and I waited for him in the parking lot. We were actually on the phone the entire time he was driving. As soon as he pulled up, after months of waiting, everything just clicked!  Nothing was forced for either of us. We talked and laughed and tried to figure out what to do to keep the date going long after it was over. Looking back now, one of the funniest things about our night was adding each other’s contacts to our phones. I still have Chad saved as “Master Chad” (which is what he put himself in as) and the picture that pops up when I call him is one he took on that first night. I drove with him to his storage unit, where he terrified me because “I shouldn’t be going at night to a secluded place with a stranger.” Although he was right, somehow I knew I was safe with him. After that night, we both just assumed we would be making our relationship work. We never talked about making things “official,” they just were.   

It is crazy how much has happened in the past two years and how natural our family feels being together. I had no idea what I was walking into that night and I am so glad I didn’t because who knows if I would have ever gone. To say that Chad “saved” me sounds so vulnerable. I don’t like to think of myself in that way, but I admit that being with Chad means that I have found my “happy” again. That is a good enough ending for me. The reality is, today is a day to be celebrated. It is a day that proves to me that second chances really exist. I may have a few hard chapters, but my story is far from over.