In 1999 Josh and I bought our first house. It was in a great neighborhood, centrally located, the perfect size for a family with two kids and a dog, a wonderful floor plan and beautifully decorated. More than all that, it was a dream come true! We finally owned a house after 4 years of marriage and two kids later.
I spent forever planning and decorating this house. I considered every color of paint and each swatch of wallpaper. Josh and I and some of our friends spent countless hours putting all the pieces together. I custom ordered furniture to fit in each quaint little room. When the people from the sales office stopped by one day and saw the interior of our home they asked if they could feature our home on the builders website. Of course I was proud and thrilled to let them in with their cameras to film, and up on the website we went. With all of that said, I was most intrigued with the idea of my 5-piece bathroom and jetted tub. I had imagined sitting in a big bath full of bubbles with lit candles all about just getting away from it all. I thought I'd soak and relax and come out a different woman.
When my plans finally played out and the house was finished and I actually could muster up enough energy at the end of the day to be able to do just that, I did! I soaked in the tub and lit candles and relaxed. Some days I'd soak with my eyes closed until the water got cold enough to kick me out on it's own. Other days I'd soak with a good book or parenting magazine. I have many water soaked pages of books to prove I had numerous chances to relish in my bathtub. One evening while settling down before bed, I lit my candles, poured in the bubbles, started the jets and hopped in. I could vaguely hear Josh across the hall in our office on the phone with a client. I eased down and closed my eyes. In just a matter of minutes I could smell some awful smell. It was distinct, unlike the scent of a relaxation candle and when my eyes opened and I saw my reflection in the glass of the shower doors, I realized MY HAIR WAS ON FIRE! Shear panic swept over my recently relaxed body and I was flooded with the emotion of how bad this could really get. I realized how awful this could turn out. I realized that holy hell, this is not good! All that emotion lasted a split second before I was awakened to the fact that I am sitting in a tub of water and can be rescued! I can fix this problem by just dipping under the water and it can be all over. I realized it's not what I planned to do in this moment, it's not what I wanted but I have a way out and some help on the way so for that I have a sense of relief. I have a sense of relief although I also fear for what the outcome could still be. Obviously, I still have hair so I needed to not have the fear, I survived the emotional turmoil and even have a great story to share.
Right now, our family is dealing with some harsh realities. Some harsh realities that we've been dealing with since September 29, of 2005. That is the exact date that two of our children joined our family. They were 2 and 3 and had been in terrible situations their entire little lives. That is the date where everything changed. We had hopes of things going smoothly and blissfully living happily ever after. We had dreams of another male figure in our home and the dynamics that male presence would bring to our family. We had ignorant visions of all adoptions going as smoothly as our first one. We unfairly grouped all kids in the category of "as long as you shower them with enough love, they can heal and love back". Just like our first home, I had spent forever planning for their arrival, dreaming of what was to come. Over analyzing every part of the process and meticulously filling out piles of paperwork. Josh and I spent countless hours over what we could do for a child needing a loving home and what they in turn could do for our family. What we got has not been so easy. What we got, frankly has been very hard and recently we have discovered the "name" for what we got. See here to learn about some of what we have experienced or if you have adopted children you are struggling with. (Now, I do not recommend just looking at a website for diagnosing children AT ALL! Please seek a professional if you have a child you think may fall into one of these categories.) We are in the process of getting our two kiddos into counseling and some help for the rest of us who have endured more than we've played off for the last (almost) 5 years. I'm laying all of this out here finally not because I need sympathy or as an "I told you so" to the people who kept telling me that they saw nothing wrong with my kids who I knew were "off" somehow, but instead, because just recently I have encountered several situations where people have said "Well, you don't understand because your adoptions have gone perfectly.". I felt deeply saddened over these comments. I let them slide but was secretly screaming inside at the flippant attitude I'd been given for 4 1/2 years of struggle and then later when I was alone it dawned on me...."This is MY problem! This is NOT any one trying to be rude or harsh! This is MY issue, I haven't been honest with people" . In my attempts to not have people harshly judging my children, pointing a negative finger at adoption, or labeling our family; I have inadvertently lied to people. For that, I am sorry! I am coming clean now. This is hard, this is really, really hard and we've all paid a big price for what I know long term will all be worth our efforts. I have to keep hoping that, otherwise I am sure I would have given up!
Why my hair story? Well, now that we are making steps in the right direction. Proper steps to help cope with what we've been dealt. I am at that same emotional point when I realized my hair was on fire and yet I was sitting in a tub of water. Right now I'm at the same point when shear panic has swept over my recently relaxed body and I am flooded with the emotion of how bad this could really get. I'm realizing how awful this could turn out. I'm realizing that holy hell, this is not good! All that emotion lasted a split second before I was awakened to the fact that I am not the only one who's been through this and there are therapists out there and we can be rescued! I can ease the burden of this overwhelmingly difficult problem by just seeking help. It will never fully go away I'm sure, but our silent struggle of trying to "go it alone" will no longer burden Josh and I. I've realized it's not what I planned to do in this moment, it's not what I wanted for our family but I have some help on the way, so for that I have a sense of relief. I have a sense of relief, although, I also fear for what the outcome could still be. Our family is going to survive this, and in the end we will have a great story of survival and hope to share.
Thank you, for all the encouraging words from the people I actually have shared our struggles with. Plus, a special thanks to Laura, who opened my eyes to the fact that people struggle and there's such a burden lifted when things are out in the open. You've been an amazing leaning post lately. For those of you who need someone who "gets" it in your life, I am here for you. Trust me, you have not done, said or thought anything that I myself have not in the past 4 1/2 years. I understand, I really "get" it and I want and need people in my life who are on this journey with me. Good news is.... all of us RAD moms are sitting in a big tub of water and even though our hair is on fire, in the end we'll have some pretty fascinating stories to share!
