It is 17 days from being a year ago that our end was painstakingly evident. I am filled with hurt beyond your wildest imagination, awe that I’ve made it 348 more days when I’d felt like I was slowly dying, and pride knowing that everyday I made the decision to not let this “get me.” Over and over throughout this year I have been asked “how?” How can I stand by Josh. How do I keep a smile on my face? How do I not get angry? How do I continue loving him? How are the kids? How am I? How do I see our future? In a nutshell, just “how?”
I’m not sure I can fully convince you, or myself for that matter, that I had made a conscience decision on “how?” the day my world as I knew it was clearly going to be changed. No, I can’t tell you I calmly had the inner talk with myself and eloquently decided “how?” I didn’t look myself in the mirror and say “Ambyr, this is how you’re going to handle this! Ambyr, you will be doing ‘x,y and z’. ” Although, I do remember giving myself an ultimatum, an ultimatum that either I am who I say I am, or I’m not. Not just to Josh, but to myself and this world. Since then, I’ve found a great quote that I hope someday to put in my own words and hold as my mantra in life. It goes, “Trusting oneself to act with integrity remains an abstract exercise until real life challenges arise.” To say “real life challenges” arose for me, is an understatement of sorts.
I know, because some of you are even bold enough to tell me, that I may not be doing what you think I should be doing to take care of myself, my family and my relationship with Josh. I know that some of you have said to yourself that you’d be doing things so differently, and you actually can convince yourself that your way would be the “right” way. Sadly, I know that many of you have had long-winded conversations about what I am doing, how I am doing it and why I am doing it, with someone other than myself, and again, you convince each other that your way would be the “right” way to handle the situation. Just remember my little quote and realize that it’s “an abstract exercise until real life challenges arise” for you! Trust me, I get how you can think you’d do something, when in actuality, you might very well do the opposite if ever faced with that real life circumstance. Fortunately, for me and my family, I am doing the polar opposite of what I said I would do had I ever been faced with my reality. How? I really don’t know.
Had I ever acted solely on my feelings and every emotion that surfaced, we would be a hot mess right now. I have felt everything under the sun in the last 348 days. I can’t tell you for one second that I have always been in control, because that would be an absolute lie. I don’t believe it is even possible for a person to have everything together all the time. I can tell you though, and Josh would verify, that it took me only a few minutes of uncontrollable sobbing before telling myself I needed to make a choice. I had to stand up and decide that I would act with integrity. That I would be exactly who I claim I am. I guess that is the best way I can answer the “how?”
There comes a time in life when you just have to get up and make a decision. Where you put all your fears and “what if’s” behind you and you start moving in the direction that seems to be best at the time. For me, then, and now, I chose to love Josh right where he was at for the person I always knew him to be. Instantly, I chose to love. Did I have any answers concerning my family and our future? No. Did I know why this was all happening? No. Did I understand it all? No. Could I answer the question about homosexuality and hell and the bible? No. Did I need too? No.
You see, my choice wasn’t to uncover the answers, or to save myself from hurt. My choice wasn’t to protect myself from heartache and embarrassment or to blame. My choice was to love my best friend. End of story. I chose to love Josh when he wasn’t very lovable. I chose to love Josh when I was hurt. I chose to love Josh when he wasn’t even acting like himself. I chose to love Josh while I watched my kids fall apart. I chose to love Josh when the dreams I’d had were torn from me. I chose to love Josh when people were telling me to run. I chose to love Josh when I was left to answer the tough questions from our kids, family and friends. I chose to love Josh through his excitement about the future. I chose to love Josh through my fears of never finding the love I deserve. I chose to love Josh through broken commitments and half truths. I just chose that love was the focus at the forefront of my mind. If at the end of the day I could look back and confidently say “I loved him the best I knew how at every given moment” I wholeheartedly felt like we would be OK, better than OK, we would be great! Anytime things would get tough loving Josh was my focus, loving Josh is how I’ve gotten through all of this.
I don’t say all of these things to put myself on a pedestal, or to make Josh out to be some sort of monster. I only say all of what I am saying because I want to be clear that we all get to choose how we are going to react to the choices that the people around us make. I am not perfect, I have let my feelings and emotions take over my actions so many times throughout this. Countless times we have made huge progress forward in our relationship just to have me single handedly push us back ten steps. I regret each time that I have, and yet I acknowledge I am human and can not stay on track every step of this process.
I don’t claim to know where you are at, at this moment in time. I have not walked in your shoes, felt the pain you have felt or lived with your insecurities. I will not act as though I know how I would react in your particular situation, and as I said before “Trusting oneself to act with integrity remains an abstract exercise until real life challenges arise.” I do, however, want to challenge you on something for your own life, because somehow, someway, it has helped me in this tough time. I really want you to think about your biggest struggle right now. Maybe your husband is not gay like mine; maybe it’s your kids, your job, your neighbor, yourself or any number of things I can’t predict. I challenge you to choose to love the people involved. I challenge you to acknowledge your hurt, pain, sadness, loss, fears, insecurities, disbelief, and any other emotion that arises, and choose to still love. To realize we are all humans, none of us are perfect and all of us deserve to have unconditional love. Acknowledge that just because someone else is handing you something you didn’t plan for, does not mean that you are any less capable of loving them where they are at, and for who they have always been to you. Now is the time to not let someone else’s actions dictate your reaction.
I look back on my life now and realize how many times I’ve let my own selfish emotions get in the way of my choice to love someone where they were at. How many times a relationship has been severed just because I chose not to continue loving someone. I don’t want you to confuse loving someone as loving their mistakes, actions, faults and flaws. Trust me, I don’t love all of Josh’s actions in this, but I do LOVE Josh. I won’t dwell on the past, but for me in the future, I hope to take this concept into all my meaningful relationships. I wonder where I would be today had I chosen to just continue loving the people I said I loved, in spite of the choices they were making. Better yet, I know exactly where my family would be right now had I chosen to do anything other than loving Josh, like I had promised I loved him, for the past 17 years.
So, to answer the “how?” questions, I guess to sum it all up, I choose to love. 348 days ago I chose subconsciously to love my best friend, to not make this about me and our family but to just love him where he was at. From now on, I have the same choice in all my important relationships. It will no longer be a choice I fall upon, but instead, a premeditated decision that..........
Today, I choose to love.
14 comments:
And because you choose to love, makes us love you just that much more!
Ambyr there have been very few words spoken with more TRUE meaning than these words of this blog. You have been walking a very difficult path with your best friend-Josh-and frankly...you have done it well! If it is true that our life is about the journey my friend...you have lived and walked the journey with class and true LOVE! Please know that I LOVE both you & Josh from the bottom of my heart! Happier trails to you...Shirley
Ambyr, You are an amazing person, and I know that is not your intention in writing this. I only know you casually from the past, except I read your blog and am so moved by your posts. Sometimes, deciding to love is the hardest challenge, and you are living that every day! I will continue to pray for you, Josh and your children. You are all going through something that only a few people have ever gone through, and you are doing it with love and grace. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us and letting us have a small window into your experience. That takes courage and strength! You, girl, are a living example of God's Amazing Love! Karin
I really liked the article, and the very cool blog
Okay, who are you all trying to kid here? Happy that your husband of 17 years is suddenly gay? Love and support HIM? Why? What are you teaching your kids? I understand that you can be amicable towards each other but confusing them too? Why doesn't MOM deserve to be happy? Why is always about the GAY person? Are we that politically correct that we don't consider the feelings of those left behind after one comes out of the closet?! I hope that your "husband" releases you to have a regular life and perhaps find love again with someone who doesn't betray your wedding vows.
Anonymous, I don't think that any of us can sit in judgement. Ambyr and her husband are doing an amazing job of transitioning their children and their family. I think the last thing they have done is "confuse their children." If you have read any of her other posts you would understand that it is not a decision that she or Josh took lightly. It has not been easy for either of them. And Josh being gay was definitely not something that happened overnight. It's a very hard transition and I think Ambyr is handling it with grace and dignity. Who are we to judge how she should act or feel or how she should parent her children? I have nothing but respect and admiration for Ambyr and her entire family.
In response to anonymous..... First of all, I don't ever recall saying that I am Oh so happy about my situation. As a matter of fact, I make it very clear throughout the process of this that I am hurt, sad and someday's I don't know how I can get out of bed. I would ask you to read from June 22nd "The New Us" and move forward and see what you might come up with. You are sadly mistaken my friend if you think that I am letting my husband "release" me! I am sorry for you that it seems you would have to wait for someone in your life to tell you it's ok to move on. Instead, I will choose what is best for my life. I will chose what I do from here. Josh and I adore each other and will do what is best for one another in this as we always have. Again, if you would get a full story instead of quickly passing judgement on a situation that you personally have not lived, maybe you'd be a little more compassionate. I don't know, maybe not. I know that prejudice is based on ignorance and fear and I hope that whatever has you bitter enough to judge my choice to love another human being can get resolved for you in your life. What am I teaching my children? That sometimes people make choices that don't always benefit us, that sometimes life throws you a curveball and you've got to swing, that sometimes things in life are out of your control but that no matter what happens that you still get up everyday with a smile on your face because there is so much more life to be lived.
Here's what I want you to understand, I respect your opinion, would love to sit down and clarify this all with you if you would allow me that time. Could end up that we disagree or maybe we can teach each other something we didn't understand before. I will not ever fault you for your opinion and will love you for your unique insight. I really appreciate your honesty and hope that someday you will have the chance to pour out and be showered with unconditional love because there is no other greater feeling in the world!
@Anonymous...a marriage is a partnership that is so much more than in bed. I love my husband and if he came to me tomorrow and said he was gay I would still love him. Yes, we'd have some big things to discuss but his sexuality would not change his love for me or our children. More than likely, we would eventually come to the conclusion that our partnership as a couple would end, I am not strong enough to share him and be okay with it (with male or female). That's just me though. I respect Ambyr's decision for HER life. The lesson she's teaching her children is that there is such a thing as a love that has no boundaries.
I came upon this blog and had many feelings as I read this story. I respect your choice to Love unconditionally. I really do. Although I was taught from a young age that loving someone doesn't always mean telling them that what they are doing is okay. I think that Bible has made it very clear that homosexuality is WRONG. 100% wrong. The story of Sodom and Gomorrah makes it very clear that homosexuality is a SIN. And yes you might respond that everyone "sins" and I couldn't agree more. The one thing we have to do is to repent of sin to become closer to God and to be forgiven. I feel if your husband chooses to continue to be gay then he is not repenting. Since I have read this I have prayed for your family many times, hoping that satan will quit destroying and that your husband will turn back to Jesus. I respect you as a woman for being able to still look at your husband. I honestly don't think that I could look at my husband with ANY sort of respect after he has broken one of the greatest promises of all and has been turned over to a depraved mind.
When you talk about selfishness in your blogs and posts all I can think of is the selfishness that your husband has shown. He has chose to leave his family due to his sexual desires. You might be thinking, "oh no he's not leaving us, he will still be involved." And he very well may be, but as a man his responsibility is to be the leader of the house and to demonstrate leadership, love, and discipline to his children. I feel that a good leader wouldn't divorce his family for another man. I don't mean to be rude but I can't imagine my husband being with other MEN at the same time he was with me. I pray for protection against the diseases that he and yourself could have caught. My prayer is that these children that you two have raised together will take their fathers mistakes and learn from them. I pray your children understand that regardless of what the "culture" tells us, homosexuality is WRONG. I hope they respect you for being able to react with such love even when love is not what he needs. He needs direction and correction. He needs the Lord, desperately.
Ambyr, I just love you!
Hi... Just wondering for those who cast judgement on others..... Who profess to know exactly what God believes or says... So tell me exactly when was the last time he came down and told YOU specifically all of this. Seems like there is many who profess to know what God believes or wants from us but very few who actually treat our fellows with love and respect that was taught.... For I am pretty sure if it is Jesus you follow ge welcomed all to his table... Might want to go and brush up on the teachings
Okay, Ambyr may choose to love you who spout the Bible and it's "FACTS" but I choose to educate you... I take huge issue with anyone who wants to preach right and wrong based on the Bible... The Bible is NOT written by GOD... It was written by MEN. The Bible is a product of the time it was written in and NOT all factual... You can all preach that you believe it is God who told the men to write it, blah blah, blah. But the facts are this. There are whole parts of the Bible that are missing or removed by the old catholic church, there are things written that are products of the time it was written, there are translation errors. The FACTS are that the Bible is a flawed book of morals, fables and SOME historical documentation. But last time I checked there was no evidence to suggest that God sat down at a writing desk and penned it himself. That being said being gay is about as much a choice as whether or not you have brown hair or red hair. The only choice in it is whether or not you want to cover it up with something artificial. Being Gay causes suicide, self loathing, destroys families induces drug and alcohol abuse and breaks up families. But do you know why? Not because it is inherent to being gay, but because we live in a world where self righteous religious people sit up on there pedestals condemning those who do not fit into there Biblical standard. The same people who turn there noses up at all science and historical proof when it does not fit what there Bible says.
Also I would like you to know a little bit of something about the gay community, most of them just want to live a life like ours, get married have families live nice healthy lives. Aids is no longer a gay disease and they are no longer the highest diagnosed group, they are not more likely to be child molesters or to have STD's than sexually active heterosexuals.
One last thing, Ambyr never said they were still having sex, nor has anyone said he is out having sex with every gay man he meets, not that it is any of your business. You should not assume to know what is going on in their home unless you have asked. It just proves that you are really truly ignorant. Being gay is much deeper than just hooking up sexually! Unlike you I hope my nieces and nephews never feel that they or their father have anything to be ashamed of. I hope they judge people not by race, religion, sexual preference, physical attractiveness, or financial standing but judge people for how they treat other fellow human beings. I hope they have the ability to use the brains the good lord gave them and can discern with both heart and mind what is right and wrong and do not wander through life with a blind faith in a book that sometimes teaches them more hate and judgment than love. And next time, try being brave enough to admit who you are!!!
A sin is a sin, right? The bible teaches that. SO, if one could call gay a sin, then they could certainly call murder, infidelity, LYING, DECIET, thinking of another, doubting your spouse, thinking of another, blasphemy, the love of money, not keeping the sabath holy, honoring you father and mother, stealing, coveting your neighbor, as a sin, right???!!!!
My sin is AS any sin. No matter what the penalty, no matter the price, Mine is as yours, we are for one another, NOT against one another! My hurt is yours, AS yours is mine. I weep for you as you have wept for me. THAT I KNOW!
Life on earth is NOT perfect. Someday, we will have final peace and glory. Not today. BUT. HE, never promised it would be easy, He only promised we would would not go it alone. I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE!!!!!!I love ALL of you, NO MATTER WHAT!!
Emma, call me when you can't speak to your mom.
Kaidon, call me when nobody else in your grade 'gets' you.
Mihya, call me whem your Mom doesn't get it....and we'll find a way to find your way back to that castle you have built.
Graysie, you WILL be great! Call me if you ever wonder about how...
Mikael (sp?) you are SO worth it! Call me if you EVER doubt that, and I will affirm all the things your Mama has told you.
Mikayla(sp?), TRUST! You are in good hands. No matter what, know, GOD, led you here with a purpose. Take those gifts and RUN! YOU can be great if you give youself permission to be! I belive in YOU...because you ARE A HUNT! Get after it Girl!!!!!!
There is NO such thing as Anonymous in my world. You either choose to love, or you chose not to. I choose LOVE!
For you.
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