Resolutions

It’s the time of year that always has my mind wandering with what changes and additions I want for the upcoming year. As with many of us, life gets busy and I can’t say I tend to focus on each and every thing I decide on December 30th sounds like a good plan for the year ahead. However, one of the things that our family has done for several years is dream boards. The kids tend to focus on what they “want” and cut out pictures in magazines of the coolest remote control car or the pair of boots they saw the newest teen star wearing. Usually, I have wild dreams like getting voted mother of the year all while I open up my new orphanage in Africa and train for my 12 marathons that will be completed by December 1st so it doesn’t interfere with my Martha Stewart Christmas to which I plan on inviting all the single soldiers. I have great intentions. The reality is that what I say I’m going to do and what actually happens ends up being just slightly off course. This year I am focused on doing several of the things that are top priority to me, the things that have made the dream board for several years but never really got finished....or .....started.  

When I was in the trenches of toddler mommy-hood and up to my eyeballs in the juggle of marriage and kids...and dirty diapers, I started leading a women’s group at the church we were attending. I came to love these women, even though most of us had nothing but this weekly meeting in common. Many of them had raised their children and were in the empty-nester stage; some of them didn’t have children yet; some of them weren’t married; some of them were moms like me; some of them were divorced but all of them were “my ladies.” I would write them letters and emails throughout the week along with my lessons and I heard countless times, “You need to write a book,” to which I would reply, “What would it be about?”

When we adopted Graysie, it was a whirlwind. What takes most people years to accomplish, we had gotten done in nine weeks. When the adoption agency said a home study takes 12 weeks and I told her I only have nine, she laughed in my face. We got it done. When I told people that we would always have an open door policy with Amanda, people said it wouldn’t work. We’ve never had an issue and Graysie is 12. So many times I have heard, “You need to write a book,” to which I would reply, “What would I write about?”  

When Mikael and Kayela joined our family, to say it was a “transition” is an understatement. RAD isn’t so rad after all. People said, “You should write a book,” to which I would reply, “What would I write about?”

My desire to have another baby was still nagging at me. Having babies around is when my heart is at its happiest. Along came Tait, who filled me with so much joy. He was spoiled and happy and I loved the chance I got at being his mommy and loving him to the fullest. When Josh and I lost Tait, it devastated us. Our beautiful baby boy was gone and we mourned and had to see our children suffer a loss that kids should just not have to suffer. As much as I blogged about it, no words could have described the sadness we felt. No one could imagine the tears shed over our little man. Again, people said, “You’ve got to write a book,” to which I replied, “What would I write about?” 

One day we decided we wanted to move. Three weeks later we had picked the spot, packed the house, sold most of our belongings, found the schools and everything lined up to move 2600 miles from home. We waved goodbye and trekked six kids across the country to live in the most amazing place. We explored and played and met amazing people. A year later we moved back home on a whim. Everyone said, “You’ve got to write a book,” to which I replied, “What would I write about?”  

Four months after we got back home, I announced that Josh and I would be getting a divorce. I walked Josh out of the closet and our family stood proudly behind him. We figured out what has meaning and what it feels like to be judged. We realized how tough divorce is on everyone, even when you’ve got the best case scenario. We suffered quietly behind our smiles because what else was there to do? People said, “You’ve got to write a book,” and Josh and I said, “Okay.” We talked to a publisher, we got an outline, we started writing. But I still wondered, “What is this going to be about?”

We started our company, things thrived, people came and we got busy. The book stood still. The business expanded. People said, “Are you still writing a book?”  I would say, “It’s confusing. I’m not sure what it’s going to really be about. Who’s going to read it?” 

Chad and I started dating. Along with Chad came four amazing bonus kids. As awesome as all ten kids are, change is still change. Blending a family is more like a mosh pit of ideas and opinions; people are bound to get hurt. As parents, we try to do what is best for the majority. My idea of best is not always Chad’s idea of best and vice versa. While you’re doing what is best for the majority, it doesn’t make watching one fall apart any easier and we had a lot of that in the beginning. Many tears were shed by all.  People said, “Ambyr, write a book,”  to which I’d reply, “I am too busy to write a book!”

Now that Chad and I are married, the kids have settled into their new daily lives under the same roof and I am finally able to remember my own name, life is funny again. It’s crazy and complicated and not even what I dreamed it would be like, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my kids, I love being the one here everyday getting knocked down (figuratively and literally) because I know when I get back up, everything is worth it. Things happen, life happens, but knowing how hard you’ve worked to be able to look yourself in the mirror and know who you really are is what matters. Who wouldn’t want to read a story like that?

I’ve said I was going to do it, I’ve wanted to do it, I’ve planned on doing it, people have encouraged me for longer than I want to admit to do it. Yet I keep finding reasons why I can’t write a book. At this point, I think life has handed me enough material not to find another excuse. So, while I am whittling down and trying to be realistic about my dream board this year, writing a book is making it on there.....which should tell you all a little about how crazy the previous year’s dream boards have been!