Starting over

Starting over is hard, especially when it is something that has meaning and substance.  Sometimes starting over is the best thing in the world, but it doesn’t make it easy and when you’re in the middle of your “do over” it gives little reassurance.  

The past few years have been a huge time of growth for all of us.  The changes we have endured were none that we could anticipate, plan for or even imagine. The things we thought we knew, we realized quickly we didn’t. Some of the friendships and people we thought would stand united with us unraveled before our eyes.  Many of the decisions we were confident we would make faltered and we chose to make others.  Some of the changes were unrecognizable if we analyzed them daily.  Some of the changes were abrupt and shook us to the core. Now, looking back at where we started and the place we are currently, it is easy to realize we are so far from where we began.  We have rallied together, cheered each other on and sometimes had the heart to heart talks that we dreaded needing to have.  The words sometimes came easy and other times no matter how hard we tried to soften them, they stung and brought pain and hurt.    In the end, my family has stood, it has changed but it has stood.

Sometimes right in the middle of wishing time could stop so my heart could catch up something amazing would happen to give me the strength to keep moving forward.  Chad was definitely the most amazing gift I received in the middle of this not so perfect twist in the story of my family.  Not only has he been amazing to me but he has been an amazing asset to the kids’ lives.  Can I confidently say I knew from the start he was “the one”, no.  Can I say I welcomed the change, nope.  Can I say that everything was wonderful and birds chirped each time we kissed, ummmm, huh uh.  However, I can say that I knew pretty quickly that this relationship was worth any amount of effort I could give.  Almost two years into it, I am sure it has been one of the greatest gifts that I have allowed myself to accept.  

Saying goodbye to a past I gave my everything to is tough.  When I thought I was working towards forever, to have it shift was not easy.  Watching the people I cared about most fall apart before me was heart wrenching, especially when there was nothing I could do to make it better.  Trying to look strong when I felt incredibly helpless was not an easy task.  I still cherish everything that I gained in my relationship with Josh.  To say it wasn’t worth it would be to say that my six kids and all the life we lived wasn’t worth it, and it was, it so was.  Some of the greatest things I have today are because of the past I had and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.   However, my future looks amazing and there were some days that I was convinced I would NOT be able to say that.  Each step into my future is a step further from my past.  Some of those steps are easier than others. Admittedly,  I still have hard days as much as I am so thankful for the life I have with all these kids and Chad.     

Saturday Chad and I tie the knot. Not to mark the start of our relationship, but to recognize the bond that already exists between the two of us.  I am more than overwhelmed with excitement for what the future of our family will bring.  I love everything that Chad and I stand for and the faith that we each have in our relationship. Some of the most basic things that we were both deprived of in our past we bring to our future.  It will not come easy, we both know that, and it’s a risk we are willing to take. I am reminded of a quote when I think about one of the big lessons I have learned in  all of this:

 “Sometimes what you spend years building can be destroyed in a day, build anyway!” 

 That is exactly what I will continue to do.....build, build build.