Excuses, Excuses!

I’m admittedly an excuse giver. Yup, true story. You see, I realized this “issue” when Graysie was about 3 years old. I caught myself telling someone that I was overweight because I’d “just” had a baby. Keep in mind, Graysie was 3......oh, AND (minor detail)....... she was adopted! Looking back, I suppose the only person I had fooled was myself. However, it did work, for awhile. You see, it was just way too hard for me to admit that I was eating like crap and didn’t do anything that might constitute as exercise. As embarrassing as it is now, I honestly have to say that I told dozens of people without so much as a blink of the eye that I had “just” had a baby. When I finally confronted myself with the fact that this was just too absurd to say anymore, the sarcasm began. I then went on for years cracking jokes about how I had “just” had a baby because Kayela (who was also adopted) was just entering 3rd grade, duh! It wasn’t until I had lost 25pounds a few pounds that I could finally say out loud how ridiculous my excuse was. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was way to humiliated to say that I liked complaining about my weight; but I certainly didn’t want to change my lifestyle to get me back in shape. 

 This isn’t the only excuse I rode the wave of for far past its prime either. No, when trying to cover up my OCD ways I often would (and still may sometimes) say that “ I just feel like the kids are so much more at peace in a clean environment.” The reality of that one, I like it clean! I like to know where things are, I like to feel like I am in control of a little something in this world, and I feel like if something is out of place that I am a terrible homemaker. It isn’t about the kids at all, but who wants to admit that you are selfish and looking out for number one while making everyone else miserable in the process? Certainly not me! Yet, I still do it and it is a habit that may have subsided a little, but not fully. If I were not an excuse maker, I suppose I would just admit that I don’t really care if having a clean house isn’t conducive to living with ten kids. I’m sure I would be able to say proudly that I am in charge and I get to make the rules in my home, and for those who don’t like it, they can do it however they want when they are in their own homes. Will I ever change my OCD ways? Doubt it, because my dad was OCD....(another excuse brewing that I have used as a crutch for 30 something years for many things not related to cleanliness) ......most likely no, not ever. 

 My most recent excuses consist of “I’ve just gone through a hard divorce”, “I just got engaged”, “I am in the middle of planning a wedding”, “We are trying hard to blend a family”, “I am the mother of ten kids”, “She/He is one of ten”, “We just got married”, “We just got divorced”, “because of my past.....”, “because of his past......”, These are just a few of the many I throw out there on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t lie, it’s all truth but is it the real underlying “reason” in said situation....maybe not. Right now I feel like they are legitimate excuses, perhaps someday they will be the brunt of my sarcastic jokes.

Being an excuse giver hasn’t served me well in my personal relationships. That is why, I continue to be hurt over and over again by the same people. Instead of me saying “hey, that really made me feel terrible” I vent to Chad about how “pissed” I am. The reality is, I’m not pissed, I’m defeated, rejected and hurt. I continue to try to “prove” myself to one person in particular. This person is someone I go out of my way to assure that I am on her team, that I care about her well-being, that I won’t bail on her like so many others who should have taken responsibility have. I am there when she needs someone to listen, I am there to provide a stable environment, I am there to defend her and to protect her. I’m there for the tough stuff too, like wash your hands, shower daily, show respect, be appreciative and let me fix your hair. I’m there to say you’re good enough, you are worthy to live your future dream, you can count on me, and that you are fully capable of more than you give yourself credit. I don’t always handle things perfectly, I can admit that. Although, to say I am “pissed” is a lame excuse. Reality is, I fear that my best will never amount to anything. I fear that she will never realize how much I was devoted to her and her well-being. I’m sad just imagining that her constant strong arm against a great bond will indeed effect our long term relationship. I hate to think that I will, no matter how much effort I put in, forever be thought of as someone who stomped on her parade. I am unsettled at the progress so far, to say the least. As much as I am completely rejected and disrespected over and over again, I am determined, and I won’t give any excuses for that. The bottom line truth is, I am hurt. I don’t know why that is so hard for me to say. I guess I’d rather be portrayed as being “angry” than being “weak” so it’s easier to say “I’m so pissed.” Seems a bit psychotic, but if I am psychotic it’s only because.....Oh, never-mind! 

Perhaps if I were to be honest with Chad and the way I feel after this person has said or done the things that cut deep, we could figure out a way to move forward in a positive way. Today, we just had another situation where I said I was “pissed” when I really should have said “to be ignored for four days is hurtful to me” and “I’m trying so hard and yet I am still totally disrespected” and “can you defend me, because when you don’t I feel like you don’t respect me either.” I can’t blame Chad at all for how the situation was handled when I have covered up the reality with some goofy excuse (I still think he should read minds because he is pretty amazing like that!) Maybe giving an excuse hasn’t served me well in this situation. I honestly can’t think of a situation where it has served me well, but it really hasn’t in this one. The excuse thing is pretty common for our society and I am not blind to that or going to beat myself up too badly over it. I am sure it will always be a part of who I am, however, I’m going to work towards being more aware of the underlying feelings in each situation. (That isn’t to be read as “I will be a blubbering crying fool”) I’m going to focus on not reacting. Instead, when it’s important, I need to give things some real thought so I can express my fears instead of covering them up. I need to let down my guard a bit. Only then can I fully overcome all that life throws my way. Just don’t be too shocked when I’m using “I just got married” for the next 30 years or so!