I'M HERE TO ACCEPT MY AWARD!!!

Remember a few posts back when I was saying I could totally play up the whole driving to Denver with seven kids bit? Remember how I said I could go for the "mom of the year" award or the "world's most adventurous" mom award but that it would be a total scam? Remember how I said I could just pass on that because it wasn't really that bad? Well, can I retract that? Ya see, I need one of those awards right now because of what an awful mommy I was on Wednesday.

Let me clarify........

It wasn't the fact that on Wednesday morning, the first day of the school year, Kayela woke up with a "tummy ache" and I told her she'd be fine. NO, it didn't have to do with that at all. It wasn't even the fact that it was the first day and I was so thrilled that I was going to finally have a whole day to myself that I plopped those kids on the bus and said that I was sure the front desk staff at school would be there to help them find their classrooms. It wasn't because by 6:12 a.m. I had already raised my voice and lost my patience with my oldest son who was taking his sweet old time in the shower. Then, when Kayela actually threw up and I told her to eat some dry cereal because milk would upset her stomach even more and it would be embarrassing to throw up on the first day of school (all the while thinking "I am not rescheduling my much needed pedicure and hair appt), that couldn't be why either. I couldn't have felt like a horrible mom because before I sent the 5 youngest out the door for the day I had already grounded 2 of them...for life! After telling the other kids that obviously Kayela was just really excited and that's why she was throwing up and that it had nothing to do with being sick (which truly turned out to be the case...phew!) not even THAT is why I felt like the world's worst mom. NOPE not any of those things had me tagged for "world's worst mom"....it was much worse than any of that normal "mommy guilt".

For reasons so much more in depth than anyone wants to hear about on the blog, Emma started another new school this year. On the orientation day she was babysitting so couldn't join me and then when her schedule wasn't quite ready and I had to go back the next day she was babysitting again, so again couldn't go with me. Therefore, on Wednesday, the first day of school when Emma was "the new kid" for the third time in two school years when she hadn't even seen the inside of her new school this is where the "horrible mom" award would start to unfold!

At this point Emma is at a school that is out of our neighborhood zone so I am her new bus driver. By the time this bus was leaving, as you have just read, I had already had a full morning of chaos. More than that, I had a full day of "All About Me" that I wanted to get started and so I was just not really in the mood to be dealing with kids and their needs. Anyway, we rushed out the door, because that's just how we roll! In the car I am distracted and trying to dodge traffic and take the best route and all the while I have my big 7th grader who is sweating bullets! She is a nervous wreck to say the least. I know she's great in social situations and she did just fine when we moved and she started at her last school so I tell her ....well....basically I tell her to get over the drama and suck it up! (strike one) Next, as we actually pull up to the school my big girl mentions that maybe I should walk her in the doors because she never did get that schedule we needed and therefore she HAS NO CLUE WHERE SHE'S GOING ONCE SHE WALKS THROUGH THE BIG SCARY DOORS......well ...I show her all the really "nerdy" looking kids with their moms and ask her if that's really the impression she'd like to give on her first day of a brand new school and I all but physically shove her out of the "bus". (strike two) I went about my leisurely day just fine. Obviously, I thought about the kids throughout the day and said some muttled prayers of "make them love their day and teachers" but I didn't really stop and think about all that had transpired that morning until I was sitting in a little cafe all by myself eating lunch. Then I started thinking!

I started thinking of how big and scary that middle school is just like this new city we live in. I started thinking about how lonely it must be for her to not get those reassuring glances as she walks through the hallways from the people she knows just as it is for me as I walk into my new surroundings. I started thinking about how she is only 12 and I threw her into a big situation of having to self advocate for her schedule and homeroom class when I would so lean on Josh to help me get what I need. I started thinking about how I so totally fumble around this new city because nothing is familiar to me and that is what she is having to do in the hallways of that giant school. I started thinking about how she was totally distraught over the fact that her uniform wasn't fitting the way she wanted it to so she didn't feel confident and how it makes me feel when I meet new people when I am less than confident about my looks. I started to look around at all the women who were smiling, laughing together and talking about life at lunch in the cafe I was sitting alone at and was sick that she too may be eating alone. Then I realized she had not been sure she wanted to bring her packed lunch I had made for her because she wasn't sure what the "protocal" would be and I had forgotten to give her money....and she was so nervous she didn't want to eat breakfast...and now I was overindulging in a panini! (strike three, four, five, and countless others.....basically...I'M OUT!!)

How sad is it that I didn't really stop what I was caught up in during the morning to see that my girl had countless needs I should have met? Instead, I ignored and brushed them off as mere "complaints". I was a terrible mom. I could have eased her transition and uncomfort and yet I didn't stop to think about how hard this would be for her until I realized how hard it has been for me. Why is it that sometimes what my kids say is meaningless until it affects me? How selfish is that? UGGGHHHH!!! It wasn't a pretty moment for me. So, I'm thinking had I begged for the really great mom awards before that now when I should have been presented with that really awful award that maybe, just maybe they could cancel each other out? Maybe?

Oh....and for all of you concerned not with me but my girl....SHE LOVED SCHOOL AND HAD A GREAT DAY!!!