I Chose Love

It is 17 days from being a year ago that our end was painstakingly evident. I am filled with hurt beyond your wildest imagination, awe that I’ve made it 348 more days when I’d felt like I was slowly dying, and pride knowing that everyday I made the decision to not let this “get me.” Over and over throughout this year I have been asked “how?” How can I stand by Josh. How do I keep a smile on my face? How do I not get angry? How do I continue loving him? How are the kids? How am I? How do I see our future? In a nutshell, just “how?”

I’m not sure I can fully convince you, or myself for that matter, that I had made a conscience decision on “how?” the day my world as I knew it was clearly going to be changed. No, I can’t tell you I calmly had the inner talk with myself and eloquently decided “how?” I didn’t look myself in the mirror and say “Ambyr, this is how you’re going to handle this! Ambyr, you will be doing ‘x,y and z’. ” Although, I do remember giving myself an ultimatum, an ultimatum that either I am who I say I am, or I’m not. Not just to Josh, but to myself and this world. Since then, I’ve found a great quote that I hope someday to put in my own words and hold as my mantra in life. It goes, “Trusting oneself to act with integrity remains an abstract exercise until real life challenges arise.” To say “real life challenges” arose for me, is an understatement of sorts.

I know, because some of you are even bold enough to tell me, that I may not be doing what you think I should be doing to take care of myself, my family and my relationship with Josh. I know that some of you have said to yourself that you’d be doing things so differently, and you actually can convince yourself that your way would be the “right” way. Sadly, I know that many of you have had long-winded conversations about what I am doing, how I am doing it and why I am doing it, with someone other than myself, and again, you convince each other that your way would be the “right” way to handle the situation. Just remember my little quote and realize that it’s “an abstract exercise until real life challenges arise” for you! Trust me, I get how you can think you’d do something, when in actuality, you might very well do the opposite if ever faced with that real life circumstance. Fortunately, for me and my family, I am doing the polar opposite of what I said I would do had I ever been faced with my reality. How? I really don’t know.

Had I ever acted solely on my feelings and every emotion that surfaced, we would be a hot mess right now. I have felt everything under the sun in the last 348 days. I can’t tell you for one second that I have always been in control, because that would be an absolute lie. I don’t believe it is even possible for a person to have everything together all the time. I can tell you though, and Josh would verify, that it took me only a few minutes of uncontrollable sobbing before telling myself I needed to make a choice. I had to stand up and decide that I would act with integrity. That I would be exactly who I claim I am. I guess that is the best way I can answer the “how?”

There comes a time in life when you just have to get up and make a decision. Where you put all your fears and “what if’s” behind you and you start moving in the direction that seems to be best at the time. For me, then, and now, I chose to love Josh right where he was at for the person I always knew him to be. Instantly, I chose to love. Did I have any answers concerning my family and our future? No. Did I know why this was all happening? No. Did I understand it all? No. Could I answer the question about homosexuality and hell and the bible? No. Did I need too? No.

You see, my choice wasn’t to uncover the answers, or to save myself from hurt. My choice wasn’t to protect myself from heartache and embarrassment or to blame. My choice was to love my best friend. End of story. I chose to love Josh when he wasn’t very lovable. I chose to love Josh when I was hurt. I chose to love Josh when he wasn’t even acting like himself. I chose to love Josh while I watched my kids fall apart. I chose to love Josh when the dreams I’d had were torn from me. I chose to love Josh when people were telling me to run. I chose to love Josh when I was left to answer the tough questions from our kids, family and friends. I chose to love Josh through his excitement about the future. I chose to love Josh through my fears of never finding the love I deserve. I chose to love Josh through broken commitments and half truths. I just chose that love was the focus at the forefront of my mind. If at the end of the day I could look back and confidently say “I loved him the best I knew how at every given moment” I wholeheartedly felt like we would be OK, better than OK, we would be great! Anytime things would get tough loving Josh was my focus, loving Josh is how I’ve gotten through all of this.

I don’t say all of these things to put myself on a pedestal, or to make Josh out to be some sort of monster. I only say all of what I am saying because I want to be clear that we all get to choose how we are going to react to the choices that the people around us make. I am not perfect, I have let my feelings and emotions take over my actions so many times throughout this. Countless times we have made huge progress forward in our relationship just to have me single handedly push us back ten steps. I regret each time that I have, and yet I acknowledge I am human and can not stay on track every step of this process.

I don’t claim to know where you are at, at this moment in time. I have not walked in your shoes, felt the pain you have felt or lived with your insecurities. I will not act as though I know how I would react in your particular situation, and as I said before “Trusting oneself to act with integrity remains an abstract exercise until real life challenges arise.” I do, however, want to challenge you on something for your own life, because somehow, someway, it has helped me in this tough time. I really want you to think about your biggest struggle right now. Maybe your husband is not gay like mine; maybe it’s your kids, your job, your neighbor, yourself or any number of things I can’t predict. I challenge you to choose to love the people involved. I challenge you to acknowledge your hurt, pain, sadness, loss, fears, insecurities, disbelief, and any other emotion that arises, and choose to still love. To realize we are all humans, none of us are perfect and all of us deserve to have unconditional love. Acknowledge that just because someone else is handing you something you didn’t plan for, does not mean that you are any less capable of loving them where they are at, and for who they have always been to you. Now is the time to not let someone else’s actions dictate your reaction.

I look back on my life now and realize how many times I’ve let my own selfish emotions get in the way of my choice to love someone where they were at. How many times a relationship has been severed just because I chose not to continue loving someone. I don’t want you to confuse loving someone as loving their mistakes, actions, faults and flaws. Trust me, I don’t love all of Josh’s actions in this, but I do LOVE Josh. I won’t dwell on the past, but for me in the future, I hope to take this concept into all my meaningful relationships. I wonder where I would be today had I chosen to just continue loving the people I said I loved, in spite of the choices they were making. Better yet, I know exactly where my family would be right now had I chosen to do anything other than loving Josh, like I had promised I loved him, for the past 17 years.

So, to answer the “how?” questions, I guess to sum it all up, I choose to love. 348 days ago I chose subconsciously to love my best friend, to not make this about me and our family but to just love him where he was at. From now on, I have the same choice in all my important relationships. It will no longer be a choice I fall upon, but instead, a premeditated decision that..........

Today, I choose to love.

One Way Street

Josh and I spend much of our week downtown working at various coffee shops. I am usually writing or editing on my computer while Josh meets, consults and coaches. I love it down there. I love the energy I get just being surrounded by people. I’m not even really a people person either. I used to hate going downtown, until King street in
charleston South Carolina. If you have never been, add it to your list of places to see before you die. I absolutely adore the charm, the cobblestone streets, historic buildings, and energy of the thousands of tourists who crowd the sidewalks. Now, Denver is unlike Charleston, and I get that, but once I fell in love with Charleston and we frequented King street, I couldn’t help but long for that energy when we moved back to Denver.

Monday was a day that Josh and I were downtown working. Emma had come with us because she is a budding photographer and we needed some pictures added to our website. The girl has talent (go check out our website www.joshuatreeworldwide.com and you will see all the photos she took at the bottom of the page in the photo stream section) so we hired her to find shots of as many different walks of life as she could possibly find. Again, she did an amazing job. From there we went to a coffee shop while Josh consulted with a client, then headed back over to us. We continued working for a few more hours and then Emma and I headed on back home.

If you know Emma and I very well, you know that 90% of the time we are laughing. Laughing at each other, laughing at ourselves, laughing at nothing, just laughing. As we left the coffee shop it was no different. Emma is fluent in sarcasm so she was making snide remarks about everything from how I was walking with my bag, to how I put it in the car, to how I was drinking the last sip of my green tea. When she gets in goofy moods like that I feed her frenzy by doing really bizarre things so she can at least be laughing enough not to talk anymore! I had made a U-turn out of my parallel parking spot and was headed down the street to home as I was laughing at Emma laughing at me. I was not really paying attention. As I turned left on the side street I looked up to see that the street was pretty narrow and a car was headed directly at me. I stopped our goofiness and said to Emma “Is this a one-way street?” to which she replied “I don’t know! I just know that one of you is crazy” then points at me and says “and I choose YOU, mom!” I am now laughing so hard I can’t see straight. Luckily for me, a parking lot was directly to my right so I didn’t have a very awkward situation on my hands passing the car coming at me head on. I pulled into a spot and we laughed until we cried at the chaos of it all, at her witty remark and at my inattention to detail. I wondered if Josh was watching us from inside the coffee shop and the mere thought of that made it even more funny. I’m still laughing my a** off as I type this!

Being the analytic that I am, later I started to relate that incident to my life and to others. Honestly, it’s funny how many times I’ve been cruising down the road of life and realized that I was headed straight for danger. Sometimes, it has been my fault. Maybe I wasn’t watching the warning signs, or maybe I was focused on other things. Either way, more times than not, I have been rescued by a “parking lot.” Other times, it was some other driver on the road that veered off course and was headed for me. Funny thing was, after Emma and I calmed down enough that day to be able for me to move my car from the parking lot, she reminded me that all day I had incidents like this. Not that I was constantly going the wrong way on a one way, just little annoyances with my driving. As we were first headed to meet up with Josh, we were detoured from construction work that was going on. Then we finally met up with Josh and as we got to him, and climbed out of the car, he changed the location we were going to go to. Then, as we followed him down the road to our final destination, he was driving at a snails pace because he was on his cell phone and distracted. We finally made it downtown and our luck was finally looking up when we found a parking meter.....uh, it just happened to be way further from our meeting place than we realized. Emma was right, all day I had my patience and luck pushed where driving was concerned. I wasn’t crying or beat down or burdened by it, I was actually unaffected because we still made it to everywhere we were headed.

This past year, I have had my patience and luck pushed with life in general. Many times, like Emma and I experienced, I have been able to laugh at my circumstances, be thankful for what could have been tragic, but wasn’t, and acknowledge that being crazy is something I can embrace. The road in life is sometimes marked with detours, I am pretty sure I’m on one right now. The great thing about a detour is that it’s sole purpose is to repair the old road and get you back on track to your destination. I believe that is what is happening now. A detour. Repairing our old path, but still headed in the right direction to our final destination. Will we hit pot holes? I’m sure. Will one of us be moving so slow the other gets impatient? Of course. Will Josh or I or the kids start heading down the road the wrong way? possibly, but seven other people are here to point their fingers in your face, call you crazy and show you to the closest parking lot.

I don’t think that we can predict what will happen in our future fully. I don’t think I can control the other drivers on the road. I just know that as long as I am paying attention to reaching my final destination, with Josh and the kids by my side, I can handle the little annoyances of my journey and be grateful I am always headed the right direction.

Defining Me

Today I haven’t gotten out of bed yet and I should be feeding my kids lunch by now. Luckily to them, on days when I just don’t “show up” to be their mom they have free reign of the house and pantry so they aren’t too effected by my lack of presence. I used some excuse when a friend called me that I was sitting in bed “working” on my computer. In all actuality, I just can’t get out of bed. No one really knows how much I hurt. I hope no one ever will. It is hard to even put into words the pain in all of this. The pain in knowing that what I dreamed, planned and worked at that is now gone is unbearable at times. Yes, the most important aspect, our friendship, is still here and is unshakable but that doesn’t stop the pain of all that is lost.

I had lunch the other day with one of the greatest friends I have, and have had for over ten years now. She knows me inside and out, flaws and all. While we sat talking and I was catching her up on the latest and not so greatest parts of my life she looked at me and said “each time I don’t hear from you for a couple of days I have wishful thinking that somehow everything is back to better”. No, not the case as much as I have the same wishful thinking. I have not had many days of not getting out of bed, considering the trauma, I should seriously be in a mental institution by now. Yeah for me that I’m not.

Days like today I repeatedly say things to myself to help me take one more breath, to smile one more smile, to write one more blog post, to kiss one more set of sticky lips. I tell myself the things that will reassure me that my problems, my situation, my hurts, my failures, my heartbreak and my pain do not define me. I am so much bigger than all of this. I have so much more to life than just his one piece.

I am a runner.

Although I just started a year ago, I love running. It helps me clear my head, helps me set and reach a goal every day, and keeps my butt from catching back up with me. Honestly, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think “I am a runner” would come out of this mouth. I am a runner though. I hope to someday run another half and even a full marathon. I have slacked here recently just trying to get on a good routine but I still managed to get in great mileage last week and have a plan for next week. So, I’m not just defined by this trauma but I am also a runner.

I am a blogger

I started this blog in 2007. When I started I wasn’t even really sure what I was going to write about or if anyone but Josh would read it and laugh at my life with me. Luckily for me people did read it and encouraged me to keep going. I get a kick out of my google analytics, especially when all of you from other countries show up on my visitor map. When anyone leaves a comment I want to do a little dance, but I wouldn’t be so mean to those around me by subjecting them to my dancing. More than anything, in all of this life drama I’ve needed blogging. It’s great to get things off my chest and to hear the encouragement I am getting. It does make me want to get out of bed, even if I jump right back in with my laptop. Again, I am not all about making sure I am holding my head high, I am not defined by that alone but I am a blogger as well.

I am a mom

When I got pregnant with Emma all those years ago now, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I had wanted to be a mom my whole life. Growing up, I was the neighborhood mommy. I knew where every baby and toddler in a three block radius was located and I had nailed down their moms work schedules so I could be at their house when they most wanted some relief. I love kids. I love my kids. They make me laugh until my sides hurt, they give me so much to be thankful for and they are a great reminder of the life I’ve shared with Josh. They are the most time consuming, stressful, selfish, even crazed little beings, but the pay off is all worth every sacrifice and every bead of sweat poured out. I love being a mom. I will always be a mom, even while I’m insecure and needy and wanting to throw in the towel, I am not just defined by those things but I am a mom.

I am a friend

Being a friend is the most important thing that I am. I consider myself to be a good friend. It doesn’t sound like a very “motherly” thing to say that the most important role to me is friend...ok, I’m fine with that, sorry to disappoint. I am a friend who is loyal, trust worthy, compassionate and forgiving. I screw up a lot. I am selfish and stupid at times. Josh of course, is the best friend I have ever had. He screws up too a lot more than me (....heehee! I’m kidding) and he is selfish and stupid. Although, nothing has ever compared to what I have in him and what he has in me. I’ve not given anyone else as much of myself as I have given him and continue to give him. We tease that we are Oprah and Gail .......I’m Oprah of course! ******side note: Josh it’s in writing on the internet now so I consider this battle won***** No, really, I will give him whatever role he wants to play as long as we stay “us”. The great thing is, it doesn’t matter to either of us (ok, maybe just a little). Gail and Oprah, Thelma and Louise, Bert and Ernie, Chip and Dale, Walt and Roy.......none of them compare to Josh and Ambyr. In all of this I am not just defined by depression, gay and divorce I am still a best friend.

I am so many things. Things including daughter, neighbor,divorced, writer, OCD, scrap booker, liberalist, ex-wife, unsure, driven and accepting just to name a few. Some things I can be proud of and hop right out of bed and share with the world. Other things I am sad, embarrassed, humiliated and perfectly comfy keeping my head on the pillow and my face buried in the sheets over. It’s my choice what I focus on, I know that. Hopefully today is just one of the very few days that I choose the ladder, my kids wont last long on left over birthday cake and chips.

In Emma's Words

I’m really not a writer. In fact, I would rather talk your ear off or read a book before I even think about writing a sentence but, here it goes:

My life when I was younger was perfect although I didn’t even realize it then. I do now. I had a life you read about in books, or see in the movies. I had the perfect parents who loved each other so much, and who in all my life had seen argue but once or twice. I had all the money and clothes I could dream of and a nice house. My brothers and sisters and I got along for the most part and we all loved each other. I never had a care in the world, except that my parents would turn out like most of my friends parents. I saw my friends parents not sleeping in the same bed, not talking, not looking at each other with love but with hate. Most of all, I saw many divorced. Now, I didn’t typically cry. Never actually. It annoys me when people do cry, but every time I would think about my parents ending up like my friends parents who were divorced, I would feel like crying. I never would though, because I knew that not in a million years would that happen to them.

The best thing my parents taught me was not to judge people for what they look like or how they act but for who they are inside. I understood that but my understanding has now changed, since my mom and dad took me into that retreat. Everyone judges at least once in their life. It’s like lying. All parents teach you “don’t lie, don’t lie, don’t lie”, my parents did. They also enforced “don’t judge” just as much. “don’t judge, don’t judge, don’t judge”. Now, just like lying we all judge, some more than others. But, if you tell a huge lie and get caught you don’t lie as much after that and you catch yourself before you do. Same with judging, when something big happens, like this, I don’t judge as much and I catch myself more before I do. My parents are the ones who taught me that, the best thing they have taught me.

When my parents told me my dad was gay I was in my room curling my hair and watching How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. I had had a great day and was excited for the one week break. My mom told me that her and my dad had to talk to me. I was plotting in my head what they were talking to me about: vacation, money, a movie, date night. When they called me into the retreat I was smiling until I saw their faces. My first thought was “who died?” Then I looked at them again and started to feel like crying. They started with “We are getting a divorce, Emma” I kind of laughed and then I said “Why?” My mom said “dad is gay”. I really thought they were lying and I yelled through my tears “If you are lying I’m moving out!” I was angry that they would be lying about that until I found out they weren’t, they were serious. They were both crying and I said to my dad, “I don’t care if you are gay, I care that you are getting a divorce”. I started crying with sadness instead of anger. Then I said “In life everyone has a time to accept someone for who they really are, and now is my time to shine” I was so sad. I cried that night and when they would try to talk to me about it. I still cry sometimes, we all do. I’m still sad but that doesn’t keep us from being a family and sticking together.

My thoughts on having a gay dad? At first I kept thinking “this is not happening!” but now that I am positive it’s true, I think it is OK. There are always good and bad parts of everything. Some of the best things about my dad are because of the fact that he is gay.

-My dad helps me get dressed

-He won’t freak out when I have a boyfriend because he doesn’t really know all of the boys thoughts about girls (when he read this he told me “Yes, I do!”)

-I will someday get three dads. One is my dad, one is my dads partner and one is my moms husband

-My dad is more talkative than my friends dads, and I can tell him anything.

-He doesn’t freak out when I ask him to go bra and panty shopping with me, he loves shopping for anything!

When trying to think of anything “bad” about having a gay dad, the only thing I could think of was that not everyone likes gay guys. I guess their parents weren’t as good at teaching them not to judge like my parents have taught me.

My thoughts on having an accepting mom? I am grateful. I have heard about wives who take the kids and run. I think that is sad. I love my mom because she is accepting and not crazy angry. That is the reason that my dad didn’t come out in the first place. I am glad my mom didn’t tear my dad down like that. I am also sad for her because I don’t think anyone knows what she is going through. Like she said on her blog the other day, she is trying to be a coffee bean but I think that sometimes she feels like a carrot.

My family today has changed but we are still a family. We might not be like families you read about in books or see on T.V. or movies but we are a family. We still fight, we still have bumps in our road, we still go on adventures, we still all live together, and we all love each other. My family is different and unique, we not only have an obscene amount of kids but we have a gay dad and an accepting mom. Most of all my family loves everyone for what and who they are.

The world needs to know it is scary and sad. Although we are, always will and always have stayed positive; it is not easy. It is not what it seems all the time. At this point questions like “how are you?”, “how have you been?”, and “are you ok?”, just seem silly to me. If you were in my situation how would you be? I also think the world needs to know that even though my dad is gay, he is still my dad and a great one. He still has the sarcastic humor he always has had. He still wears crazy shirts. He still can’t live without Starbucks. He still can’t sit still for longer than a minute. He is still involved in all of our lives and school. He is still my dad, a sarcastic gay man.

In the future of my family I hope for happiness and love. In the future of my family I hope for three dads. In the future of my family I hope for acceptance. In the future of my family I hope for us to change the world’s perspective. In the future of my family I hope that we don’t change everything just because there has been one big change. In the future of my family I hope for continued love and happiness.

I HOPE TO BE A COFFEE BEAN!

Josh is an analogy junkie. If you’ve ever sat and listened to him for more than 10 minutes you would know this. Especially when he is giving his advice or sharing his business expertise. I get such a kick out of analogies myself, although every time I try to pull it off people just don’t get it. I try to be so “teachable” with the kids by using analogies and I leave them tilting their heads and more confused than when I started. With that said, I stole the following story from my friend Salina and her blog, who in turn stole it from her friend and her blog. It’s an analogy I wish I had thought of on my own, I didn’t. I’m completely comfortable stealing it though. I guess it’s just one of those stories that HAS to be shared and passed along.

It has hit home in my life and was shared by Salina at just the right time. I know when she posted it on her blog, it was not intended for me at all. I know that when she posted it, she had no clue how much it would speak into my life. How I needed it at this very moment. I’m sure that when she posted it, I wasn’t even a thought in her mind. Funny, as it may be, that is just how life works sometimes. I hope it touches you the same way it touched me, no matter what adversity you are facing.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Right now in my life I have been presented with pretty big adversity. Right now I am acting as mother, teacher, friend and wife in a pretty challenging situation. I have a lot of balls in the air, with a responsibility to keep them from hitting the floor. At the same time, I am having to take care of me.

Adversity is always present in life. This is not the first adversity I have ever faced. The funny thing is, when you are in the middle of something it always seems to feel bigger than anything you’ve ever gone through before. This will not be the last adversity I will ever face.

I know that at times, in facing other adversity, I have become bitter and hard, just like the egg. I know that I have become fearful, weak and soft when faced with other challenges in my life, just like the carrot. This one is different for me. This one strikes a cord that is far bigger than myself and my family. This one is important because of all the many people, like our family, who are living through this tremendously painful adversity. I can’t help but think “Why is this happening to me? Why is this fair? How is it that we can be so perfect together and yet not be able to make it?” It’s human nature to throw our little pity parties isn’t it? Well because I have a lot of determination and fight packed into this little body, I will not let this happen to me and my family without making a positive change.

So many families each year are torn apart because of this very same situation. The statistics are staggering. We may be the only family you know of, but I promise you, we are not the only family that is going through this or will go through this. Over 2 million families each year are faced with this situation. Most families are torn apart in ways that even I have poured tears over as I have read. It kills me to think about. The sad reality is that when I called to get support for the kids, Josh and I; there is no support set up for families like us. They have huge organizations supporting the straight spouse who would like to run, hide and take the children from the gay spouse. They have organizations set up for the gay spouse who wants to run, hide and leave the children in the shame and guilt concerning breaking up the family. There are books bashing the gay spouse who decides to leave the family and how the straight spouse can cope. There are books on how to get over your guilt, for the gay spouse. There is nothing, that I can find, that helps a family stay a family in this transition. Nothing. Each time I have thought I found a new organization or book, it ends up a dead end.

I’m telling you all this to say, that this is exactly “why me”. This is exactly why it just might not be “fair”, but it doesn’t change the fact that it still IS. This is exactly why yes, we are the perfect “match” to make the necessary change. Who better to be on this ride together than the two of us, who adore each other?

What adversity in your life are you going to choose coffee bean instead of carrot or egg? I challenge you to think about that. I challenge you to think about what adversity you’ve faced in the past that has either hardened you or made you soft and weak. You can be a coffee bean, it’s up to you to choose that.

My goal, my passion, my heart and my hope is that I can be the coffee bean that can make a change in the world with this situation, somehow, someway!

ADVICE FROM MY DR.

Almost a year ago, when the beginning to our end was rearing it’s ugly head, I was filled with hopelessness. Hopelessness over dreams that Josh and I had, that would never be realized. I was scared, alone and overwhelmingly burdened by the thought that what I had so often dreamed about would never be an option for us. My doctor repeated me and understood I was really saying, "I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone."

Honestly, for fifteen years I had lived a dream that I called, “my life”. I actually never even dreamed my life could be as perfect as it was. I never thought I would do the things we did, have the things we had or would see the things we saw. Never in my wildest dreams. My doctor said "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

From the time Josh and I were dating we said we would someday live at the beach. We were, and to me, our life seemed completely amazing. No, I didn’t love everything about where we were, but I did love most of it. I loved that it was warm. I loved that we made friends who I know will still be friends in the next 50 years. I loved the Southern hospitality. I loved that all the talking had finally paid off. I loved visitors. I loved the beach. I loved my house. I loved the history. I loved the adventure. Most of all, I loved that we reached a goal together. I loved that we realized a dream and added more to the end. My doctor assured me my feelings of accomplishment were real by telling me, "Oh the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all."

That’s why, when I felt like I was losing it, I felt like life was hopeless. Many months, I cried and felt nothing but despair. My body ached, because my heart hurt so bad. I only thought about all the things that would never be. I only imagined how bad things could get. I only dreamed about what was, instead of what could be. Things didn’t feel right seeing a future alone and without Josh. Most people never would have guessed how buried I’d become in my own self pity and doubt. My kids could not make me smile, I didn’t laugh for days at a time. Hopelessness is the best description, but to me, it felt even worse than that. My doctor agreed that, "This mess is too big and too deep and to tall. We can't clean it up! We can't clean it up at all!"

Luckily, we did make good friends in Charleston. Friends who required us to “show up” in life. Friends who we were honest with, who loved us in spite of our flaws. Friends who said “who cares”? Friends who said “Only you can make this better”. Friends who wrapped their arms around us on numerous occasions and looked into our eyes with expressions of love. Friends who gave us books, wrote us notes, sent us letters, left us voicemails and fought when we had no fight left in us. Friends who dreamed big dreams for us. Friends who said the tough things that needed to be said. Friends who are still great encouragement to us, even now. Those friends helped me see that this was our life. This was our story. This could be whatever we make it to be. My doctor gave his expert advice by saying, "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind, some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've brought a big bat. I'm already you see, now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"

I started to see that not all hope was lost. Things could be better. I began to understand that it didn’t matter what those before me had done, that I could be a great example for those that choose to follow in the future. I embraced the dreams that could still be. I spoke the things I wanted to become. I ran far, far away from what would only keep me down. I assess the value in each thought I have, if it is worthless I delete it. I still stumble and fall countless times, but I continue to get back up. I continue to live my life. Not all hope is lost when I look into my future. My doctor believed in me and even told me, "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."

I’m honored that Josh still holds onto many of our dreams. Many of our dreams and plans are still very attainable, this gives me hope. Nothing hurt more than imagining my life without my best friend by my side. Nothing was more crushing than the vision of seventeen years lost to something so ironic as one of us finding their truly authentic self. This relationship has not been, and is not built, by only one of us giving our all. Instead, we both still dream, we both continue to put one foot in front of the other and we both hold on to the friendship that started it all. I believed my doctor gave his expert advice and told me, "So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed)

In all honesty, in answering the questions/concerns regarding if I have a professional to help me along this path, the answer is no. I spent many weeks in Charleston with a great Dr. I grew fond of and formed a great relationship with through the darkest of days. For now, I get my advice from the first Dr. I ever knew, Dr. Suess. He does give some great insight!

AREN'T YOU ANGRY?

As I sit here today and look at how my life has been for the past seventeen years, I have no complaints. I have no regrets.

Clearly, my life today is not the way I had envisioned it to be. Clearly, I never would have wished this on me, or anyone, for that matter. This is tough. This is not easy. The thought of being thirty-five, with six kids (and a slew of stretch marks to prove it) and having to start over, is terrifying! Mind-numbing, even. At times, I can’t imagine how I will pick myself back up after this. Days will go by where I only see the glass half empty with a hole in the bottom. I will not ever lead you to believe that this is easy, or something that I really don’t care about because it isn’t. It is hard, really hard! And I care more about this than anything I’ve ever cared about. The reality is, I will be okay and everything will be just fine.

I have received countless texts, Facebook messages, emails, voicemails, blog posts and even handwritten letters; thank you for all of them. You have no idea how much your encouragement means to me. Next to the question regarding kids, the next most asked question to me has been, “Aren’t you angry?” The simple reply to that question would be, no! No, I’m really not. Although, I feel like everyone deserves more of an explanation than just that, considering how detailed I have to be when I am sitting face-to-face with someone answering the same question.

Let me start by giving you my perspective on a few things. I don’t expect you to agree with me on these things, nor do I want you to feel like I expect you to. You are entitled to your very own opinion and I am entitled to mine. I respect that we are each individuals and have been raised to believe different things. Our experiences have taught us different things, as well. That’s okay. I can still love you and care about you just the same and I hope you can love and care about me the same, too.

To me, being gay is not a choice for someone. You are who you are, end of story. I know that many of you agree with that. I know that some of you even agree with that but still insist on the fact that someone should be “praying away the sin.” I have a hard time stomaching the fact that I would need to be praying away something that was born into me. Trust me, I have prayed countless times to grow......I am still only 4’11. I have prayed countless times to be more emotional.......I still can’t force myself to cry just because you are crying. I have prayed that I could be less OCD (so have Josh and my kids, I’m sure)..........I still CANNOT handle a mess and my closets are so organized that I could go into each of them blind-folded and still find what I needed to find. These things are born in me.

I know some of you are saying, “Well, that is just not the same.” Okay, fine. Guess what? I am 100% straight. I am not attracted to women in the slightest. I don’t even find it pleasurable to hug women. It annoys me. You cannot convince me for one second of one minute of the day to sleep with a women or get sexual with her. It repulses me, for me. It doesn’t bother me to see two women together. I wonder how all the drama fits into one house, but I have no judgement there. That is not something that I could change. That is not something that I would change. So, for me, I’m convinced that being gay is just like me being straight and I could not change that fact. Maybe, if I thought differently about being gay, I could be angry. The great thing is, I don’t think differently, so it keeps me from being angry about this.

Nothing makes me madder than when someone does something intentionally to hurt someone else. It infuriates me. I don’t understand why anyone would put energy and effort into making someone else’s life miserable. My kids will see me turn into a monster with three heads when they do something just to torture their siblings. I don’t get it. I have never been one to live my life trying to make someone else suffer. I may not always do a great job at this when my kids or Josh have been hurt by someone. I think I probably have thought my fair share of evil thoughts when that happens. I remember getting myself into many verbal conflicts as a young child because I would fight for the underdog. I am still this way.

Some people don’t think twice about saying or doing nasty things to someone else, though. Sadly, this seems to be more prevalent in girls than boys. Unfortunately, with all the kids in and out of my house, I know this trait can start very early in life. When we lived in South Carolina, I remember going into the grocery store with my kids. They are always up for a free cookie, so when I offered it up to them, another mother was standing by with her two children. I handed my kids each a cookie and we quickly moved to the side so she could get her kids one, as well. I honestly did not look at the fact that their were two choices of cookie. They both looked exactly the same, although one was labeled “fat-free.” Unfortunately, the other mother felt like it was very necessary to point out the fact that, clearly, she “loved” her children more by giving them the healthier of the two choices. I actually laughed out loud at her remark. I wanted to say, “Obviously, you don’t ALWAYS offer up the healthier choice considering that your children are about 20 pounds overweight,” but I didn’t. I just held my tongue. It really pissed me off, though. Not at what she said because my kids are healthy and I’m confident in that. Just the fact that she felt like she needed to say something just to be nasty to me, nothing makes me madder. The whole point is that maybe if I felt like Josh had intentionally set out to hurt me or our kids, I could be angry. I know that is just not the case, though. So, I can’t be angry for that reason either.

Another thing that makes me mad as hell is when someone hurts me and doesn’t even care that they have done it. They just move past it, go on with life and expect me to “get over it.” Sometimes I can. Other times, I am too fearful and burdened to do it. Once I had a friend who blabbed every little thing I ever shared with her to all of her other friends. It hurt me and I chose not to continue the friendship I thought I had with her. The fact that she freely shared my life with others was one thing, the fact that she acted like it wasn’t a big deal, was infuriating. I was angry. Possibly, I am still angry at that fact. Tell me you screwed up, tell me you had no right, tell me you are sorry and that you are a fool, but don’t act like you are innocent because that means you don’t care what you did. It probably was more hurtful that she lied to my face and downplayed the things she told them, but eventually, it turned to anger and I was done. Nothing could reverse her first reactions because in those first moments, it was clear she didn’t care. It makes me mad. Yes, we all screw up. We all make mistakes. Own up to it because it shows you care.

If I can say anything about Josh in this hard time, it is that he has tormented himself because he does care so much about our family and our friendship. Countless times he has said, “If I just didn’t love you so much, it would be so much easier.” He hurts when I hurt. He’s sad when the kids ask questions that they shouldn’t even know to ask at this time in their lives. He cries when I cry. He is terrified and looking out for my future above his own. Luckily, I know Josh cares, so it has not been an issue that might make me angry.

Again, my life today is not the way I had envisioned it to be. Clearly, I never would have wished this on me, or anyone, for that matter. This is tough. This is not easy. But, I have no complaints and no regrets. So, no, I am not angry.

LIFE SUMMIT

This past weekend Josh and I, the kids and my dad went for a long weekend of camping and hiking. I always have loved the adventure of getting away, even if it’s just for a couple of nights to sleep outside on rocks and sticks. I had begged Josh for far too long to give it a shot. He had zero interest in the idea of camping and then when we started having babies and babies and babies, I lost my push for such an idea as camping.

Just recently, Josh decided to go camping. Actually, he decided to do it when my dad started taking Kaidon camping and saw how much he was enjoying it. Josh put it down as one of his New Years resolutions; that he would take us camping two times. He ended up liking it. Now, Josh has a new goal because camping, in and of itself, just isn’t exciting enough. He is determined to get all 54 fourteeners climbed by the time he is 40. That’s what had us out and living on the edge over the holiday weekend. As much as it doesn’t sound peaceful and serene to be up on a mountain with Josh, six kids and my crazy dad, it really truly is great. I had so much time to think and process, which is a hot commodity these days for me. As I hiked and hiked and hiked, I could not help but relate my life where it is now, to summiting those fourteeners.

It’s funny how prior to leaving we have all these visions of how it is going to go. We planned and talked and read about the two fourteeners we would be attempting. We were elated at the idea of getting to the top and saying we had accomplished such a feat. We knew it could get tough, but we never lacked the confidence to make it through. Just like planning for the fourteener, I had planned out my life with Josh before we even said “I do.” I had planned and talked and read everything I could on marriage and being a wife. I was elated at the idea of spending my life, forever, as a married women to the man I just adore. I knew it could get tough, but I never lacked the confidence to make it through.

As I packed up the car, kids clothes and prepared food, things weren’t as exciting as they were when we were making our big camping plans. No, but it was worth all the work knowing that we would soon be having fun and accomplishing something we had been determined to do. Same with marriage. Things weren’t always as exciting as we had envisioned when we were dating. We put in a lot of time and effort and work for our marriage, not as hard as many couples had to, but we still worked hard. It was well worth the effort because we were going to accomplish something we had dreamed about.

The drive up to Mt. Princeton and Mt. Yale was exciting and fast, we were finally going places we had only seen in books or imagined in our own minds. We were all packed up and now headed in the right direction. For so long, my life was that journey. I was having babies, adopting babies, business was great, married to my best friend and finally headed to the place I had only imagined in my mind. It was exciting to be on the journey that I had dreamed about for so long.

As we pulled up to the campsite we had researched online, passing the lake and the peaceful little cabins, we were a bit thrown off by the sign that read “campsite full.” We had to stop the car, pull to the side of the road and make a new plan. We ended up in a beautiful spot, though, much better than the crowded campsite we set out to be in. So many times in life, Josh and I have done just that. So many times we would be heading to our destination when we’d realize that maybe it wasn’t meant for us. We’d stop what we were doing, talk about and make a new plan, and most times we’d end up in a much more beautiful spot than we had originally set out for. We were, and are, good at making a new plan work.

Our first day out, we set off to find the trailhead for Mt. Princeton. We thought we knew exactly where we were going. After driving in circles for awhile, we ended up having to ask someone who had already hiked the mountain where it was at. He gave us his best recollection of how he got there. Once we got as far as he could get us, we went back over the directions from our fourteeners book, then we stopped and asked for more help. We were told to drive straight up to the top of the most terrifying road I’ve ever been on. I had to trust that Josh would navigate us safely there. Once we got as high up as I could possibly handle, we parked the cars and started walking. The unmarked trailhead went unnoticed by all nine of us and again, we ended up not really where we wanted to be but somewhere beautiful none-the-less. We snapped pictures, took a break and set off for our journey once more. When Josh and I were first married and well into our marriage, we would really think we knew where we were headed. Sometimes, we would stop and ask others who were older and wiser how to end up where they were. Sometimes we’d make it through terrifying times, where either I needed to trust Josh to get us to our destination or he needed to find the trust in me. Sometimes we would notice we were off track, other times we’d end up in a place far more beautiful than where we thought we were going and, still other times, we would stop and relish our surroundings. Always, and still today, we would forever be on our journey.

In the end of this particular day on Mt. Princeton, Josh and my dad made it to the top. I took four of six kids back down the mountain as we reached about 12,800 feet. They couldn’t go on, and I was willing to head back, walking as far away from the top to avoid having to drive on that terrible road again. We made the plan that Josh would pick us up at the bottom, or as close to the bottom as we could make it. As much as I was willing to be off that cliff, I was so glad to have seen first hand what Josh had seen. Josh was filled with pride as he met up with the rest of us at the bottom. I was filled with pride at seeing his accomplishment. Admittedly, in our life together, Josh and I have been on the edge of many cliffs. Sometimes I would back down and sometimes it was he who would back down. Both of us would gladly walk as far away just to not be on a terrible road again, but we’ve always been their to pick each other up. Just like the day on Mt. Princeton, I would not change being on this journey with Josh for the past seventeen years. I know that I have experienced first hand what he has lived until now. I know that I am at the 12,800 feet where I am having to turn back and walk away while he continues on the path. I know that eventually he will be filled with pride at his accomplishment and I will be filled with pride for him as we meet daily to share what great steps toward the summit we took.

The next day of camping we headed out for Mt. Yale. This time, we knew right where the trailhead was. This time we left earlier because we had learned from our previous experience. This time we had the plan that my dad would turn back with any of the kids who just couldn’t take another step so that Josh and I could reach the peak together. This time, the path was just as hard, the journey just as long, the unforeseen problems just as many. The difference on the day at Mt. Yale was that Josh and I finished together. We started on our path, walked over rocks and boulders, encountered storms near the top, saw the most gorgeous scenery; and we kept on hiking because we promised we would finish together. When we did finally reach the bottom, we did it hand in hand and smiled and were proud of our accomplishment. The reminder of the price we paid has been a lot of sore muscles, muscles I didn’t even know I had. Our relationship today is just like that day we hiked Mt. Yale. We easily navigate our friendship, because we know just how to do it. We have people surrounding us who we know we can rely on to help if we might need it. We can predict many of the rocks and even boulders that may stand in our way. Storms that we may not have known were coming could crop up. Luckily for both of us, we are determined to finish this together because we promised we would. To still complete many of our goals we set forth to complete in the very beginning of our friendship, and to be proud of our accomplishments. We will experience beautiful things in both of our lives still. I am sure we will have many sore muscles to remind us of the road we’ve traveled, but with sore muscles comes strength. We will be stronger for this journey we have traveled. Traveled together, and not stopping until we reach the end, hand in hand.

EVERYTHING EMMA

Emma was born 4 weeks early in the middle of November. When she arrived, she was nothing I had thought she would be, and yet she was more perfect than I imagined. Her hair was so long that when we left the hospital she wore pigtails. The nurses commented that she had already had highlights done because her hair was beautiful. Emma had the same great big blue eyes that she still has, and they stood out like no other feature. Her tiny little birth mark on her back, her long arms and her skinny body made these parents proud!

When Emma was a few months old, we left her with my mom for the first time. Emma, who never cried and was so totally laid back, bawled her head off the entire time we were gone. I’d call to check in and my mom would hand her over to my grandmother and run in the back room to be sure Josh and I couldn’t hear her. When we got back home my mom told us that she had cried, and I was shocked. As we talked, I remember my mom saying “she just acted like she knew what was going on, but she’s much too young to be doing that!” We should have known then that we were in for a great ride with this one!

As Emma got older, she continued on that same journey. Emma always seemed to socially know what was going on. When Emma was a year old she talked in full sentences. When she was fifteen months she told me she needed to use the potty, I put her off until she turned seventeen months then she got big girl panties and never had an accident....EVER! When she was not even two years old I had gotten distracted while she was in time out and felt horrible. When I apologized to her, she said “that’s ok mommy, I was just counting!” and then proceeded to count to twenty.......I didn’t know she could count past three. When Emma went to Kindergarten, everyday she would come home with story after story about the “kids”, referring to the kids in her class as though she was a T.A. Somehow, Emma came into this world with a social awareness far beyond her years. Fortunately for Josh and I, Emma has been an extremely easy child to parent. Actually, quite often, I say she is a better parent than I could ever be. This girl has taught me so many things about life.

During our darkest days Emma has come through like I am not sure many adults could have. As I already said in a previous post, Emma adores her dad and only wants for him what will make him truly happy and fulfilled. I am not sure many thirteen year old girls would have that same unselfish desire. The first sentence out of Emma’s mouth when we sat her down to basically let her know that her whole world would be turned upside down was “There’s a time when we each need to rise to the occasion and love someone for who they really are. I guess now’s my time to shine!” Was I shocked? No, it’s Emma. Was I proud? Absolutely.

Over the past year Emma and I, Emma and Josh and all three of us together have had some amazing conversations. Emma never ceases to amaze this momma! One of my favorite conversations with Emma was one evening not too long ago. I could tell she was wanting to talk so we sat down in my bedroom and I just started asking her questions. One thing lead to another when I asked her “Well, if you were in your dads situation what is it you would do?” Here is what Emma said (paraphrasing of course):

“Mom, remember when I was really little and I had dug in the plants? Remember how I had dirt all over my hands? Remember how you asked me so many times if I had done it, and remember how I told you no? Remember how I told you I had dirt on my hands only because I wanted to help you, so I tried to clean it up? Mom, remember how you said that you knew I wouldn’t lie so that you believed me? Remember how I went to bed that night, and as you were tucking me in, I ended up telling you I had really been the one to dig in the plant? I knew I had lied to you, I knew you believed me, I knew you told people on the phone how nice I was to help you clean it up, and that feeling was horrible. Mom, I think that’s how dad has felt for all these years. Like he’s holding back the truth. Mom, I couldn’t make it a day. I want him to live his truth”

Now, I am not a crier, but I still can’t even type those words and not have tears streaming down my face.

That was just one story, although in Emma fashion, she has encouraged us through in so many other times with these words:

• “I think dad thinks it’s like the olden days when you’d be stoned to death for being gay. It’s not, he’s going to be ok”
• “It’s going to be great to have three dads someday, especially if two of them are like dad and can keep me fashionable”
• “What? I’ll still only get one gift from y’all? Man, the best benefit of divorced parents and y’all are holding out on me!”
• “I love that our family is different”
• “You are more in love than I’ve ever seen my friends parents be, there’s no way anyone can make that a bad thing”
• “I love dad. No one else I know has a dad who talks to them like he talks to us”

Couldn’t begin to list them all either.

Rockstar, isn’t she? Not even some of the adults in our life can love Josh like that, and this doesn’t even come close to affecting them the way it affects that girl of ours. She is loving and grace filled and I am proud to be her mom! I know that someday she is going to change lives, change minds and change attitudes. I am honored to have a ticket to her show. I’ll be the one in the front row applauding her every effort.

Louie, you are the best and we are so proud to be your parents!