ADVICE FROM MY DR.

Almost a year ago, when the beginning to our end was rearing it’s ugly head, I was filled with hopelessness. Hopelessness over dreams that Josh and I had, that would never be realized. I was scared, alone and overwhelmingly burdened by the thought that what I had so often dreamed about would never be an option for us. My doctor repeated me and understood I was really saying, "I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone."

Honestly, for fifteen years I had lived a dream that I called, “my life”. I actually never even dreamed my life could be as perfect as it was. I never thought I would do the things we did, have the things we had or would see the things we saw. Never in my wildest dreams. My doctor said "You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

From the time Josh and I were dating we said we would someday live at the beach. We were, and to me, our life seemed completely amazing. No, I didn’t love everything about where we were, but I did love most of it. I loved that it was warm. I loved that we made friends who I know will still be friends in the next 50 years. I loved the Southern hospitality. I loved that all the talking had finally paid off. I loved visitors. I loved the beach. I loved my house. I loved the history. I loved the adventure. Most of all, I loved that we reached a goal together. I loved that we realized a dream and added more to the end. My doctor assured me my feelings of accomplishment were real by telling me, "Oh the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all."

That’s why, when I felt like I was losing it, I felt like life was hopeless. Many months, I cried and felt nothing but despair. My body ached, because my heart hurt so bad. I only thought about all the things that would never be. I only imagined how bad things could get. I only dreamed about what was, instead of what could be. Things didn’t feel right seeing a future alone and without Josh. Most people never would have guessed how buried I’d become in my own self pity and doubt. My kids could not make me smile, I didn’t laugh for days at a time. Hopelessness is the best description, but to me, it felt even worse than that. My doctor agreed that, "This mess is too big and too deep and to tall. We can't clean it up! We can't clean it up at all!"

Luckily, we did make good friends in Charleston. Friends who required us to “show up” in life. Friends who we were honest with, who loved us in spite of our flaws. Friends who said “who cares”? Friends who said “Only you can make this better”. Friends who wrapped their arms around us on numerous occasions and looked into our eyes with expressions of love. Friends who gave us books, wrote us notes, sent us letters, left us voicemails and fought when we had no fight left in us. Friends who dreamed big dreams for us. Friends who said the tough things that needed to be said. Friends who are still great encouragement to us, even now. Those friends helped me see that this was our life. This was our story. This could be whatever we make it to be. My doctor gave his expert advice by saying, "I've heard there are troubles of more than one kind, some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've brought a big bat. I'm already you see, now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"

I started to see that not all hope was lost. Things could be better. I began to understand that it didn’t matter what those before me had done, that I could be a great example for those that choose to follow in the future. I embraced the dreams that could still be. I spoke the things I wanted to become. I ran far, far away from what would only keep me down. I assess the value in each thought I have, if it is worthless I delete it. I still stumble and fall countless times, but I continue to get back up. I continue to live my life. Not all hope is lost when I look into my future. My doctor believed in me and even told me, "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."

I’m honored that Josh still holds onto many of our dreams. Many of our dreams and plans are still very attainable, this gives me hope. Nothing hurt more than imagining my life without my best friend by my side. Nothing was more crushing than the vision of seventeen years lost to something so ironic as one of us finding their truly authentic self. This relationship has not been, and is not built, by only one of us giving our all. Instead, we both still dream, we both continue to put one foot in front of the other and we both hold on to the friendship that started it all. I believed my doctor gave his expert advice and told me, "So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed)

In all honesty, in answering the questions/concerns regarding if I have a professional to help me along this path, the answer is no. I spent many weeks in Charleston with a great Dr. I grew fond of and formed a great relationship with through the darkest of days. For now, I get my advice from the first Dr. I ever knew, Dr. Suess. He does give some great insight!