AREN'T YOU ANGRY?

As I sit here today and look at how my life has been for the past seventeen years, I have no complaints. I have no regrets.

Clearly, my life today is not the way I had envisioned it to be. Clearly, I never would have wished this on me, or anyone, for that matter. This is tough. This is not easy. The thought of being thirty-five, with six kids (and a slew of stretch marks to prove it) and having to start over, is terrifying! Mind-numbing, even. At times, I can’t imagine how I will pick myself back up after this. Days will go by where I only see the glass half empty with a hole in the bottom. I will not ever lead you to believe that this is easy, or something that I really don’t care about because it isn’t. It is hard, really hard! And I care more about this than anything I’ve ever cared about. The reality is, I will be okay and everything will be just fine.

I have received countless texts, Facebook messages, emails, voicemails, blog posts and even handwritten letters; thank you for all of them. You have no idea how much your encouragement means to me. Next to the question regarding kids, the next most asked question to me has been, “Aren’t you angry?” The simple reply to that question would be, no! No, I’m really not. Although, I feel like everyone deserves more of an explanation than just that, considering how detailed I have to be when I am sitting face-to-face with someone answering the same question.

Let me start by giving you my perspective on a few things. I don’t expect you to agree with me on these things, nor do I want you to feel like I expect you to. You are entitled to your very own opinion and I am entitled to mine. I respect that we are each individuals and have been raised to believe different things. Our experiences have taught us different things, as well. That’s okay. I can still love you and care about you just the same and I hope you can love and care about me the same, too.

To me, being gay is not a choice for someone. You are who you are, end of story. I know that many of you agree with that. I know that some of you even agree with that but still insist on the fact that someone should be “praying away the sin.” I have a hard time stomaching the fact that I would need to be praying away something that was born into me. Trust me, I have prayed countless times to grow......I am still only 4’11. I have prayed countless times to be more emotional.......I still can’t force myself to cry just because you are crying. I have prayed that I could be less OCD (so have Josh and my kids, I’m sure)..........I still CANNOT handle a mess and my closets are so organized that I could go into each of them blind-folded and still find what I needed to find. These things are born in me.

I know some of you are saying, “Well, that is just not the same.” Okay, fine. Guess what? I am 100% straight. I am not attracted to women in the slightest. I don’t even find it pleasurable to hug women. It annoys me. You cannot convince me for one second of one minute of the day to sleep with a women or get sexual with her. It repulses me, for me. It doesn’t bother me to see two women together. I wonder how all the drama fits into one house, but I have no judgement there. That is not something that I could change. That is not something that I would change. So, for me, I’m convinced that being gay is just like me being straight and I could not change that fact. Maybe, if I thought differently about being gay, I could be angry. The great thing is, I don’t think differently, so it keeps me from being angry about this.

Nothing makes me madder than when someone does something intentionally to hurt someone else. It infuriates me. I don’t understand why anyone would put energy and effort into making someone else’s life miserable. My kids will see me turn into a monster with three heads when they do something just to torture their siblings. I don’t get it. I have never been one to live my life trying to make someone else suffer. I may not always do a great job at this when my kids or Josh have been hurt by someone. I think I probably have thought my fair share of evil thoughts when that happens. I remember getting myself into many verbal conflicts as a young child because I would fight for the underdog. I am still this way.

Some people don’t think twice about saying or doing nasty things to someone else, though. Sadly, this seems to be more prevalent in girls than boys. Unfortunately, with all the kids in and out of my house, I know this trait can start very early in life. When we lived in South Carolina, I remember going into the grocery store with my kids. They are always up for a free cookie, so when I offered it up to them, another mother was standing by with her two children. I handed my kids each a cookie and we quickly moved to the side so she could get her kids one, as well. I honestly did not look at the fact that their were two choices of cookie. They both looked exactly the same, although one was labeled “fat-free.” Unfortunately, the other mother felt like it was very necessary to point out the fact that, clearly, she “loved” her children more by giving them the healthier of the two choices. I actually laughed out loud at her remark. I wanted to say, “Obviously, you don’t ALWAYS offer up the healthier choice considering that your children are about 20 pounds overweight,” but I didn’t. I just held my tongue. It really pissed me off, though. Not at what she said because my kids are healthy and I’m confident in that. Just the fact that she felt like she needed to say something just to be nasty to me, nothing makes me madder. The whole point is that maybe if I felt like Josh had intentionally set out to hurt me or our kids, I could be angry. I know that is just not the case, though. So, I can’t be angry for that reason either.

Another thing that makes me mad as hell is when someone hurts me and doesn’t even care that they have done it. They just move past it, go on with life and expect me to “get over it.” Sometimes I can. Other times, I am too fearful and burdened to do it. Once I had a friend who blabbed every little thing I ever shared with her to all of her other friends. It hurt me and I chose not to continue the friendship I thought I had with her. The fact that she freely shared my life with others was one thing, the fact that she acted like it wasn’t a big deal, was infuriating. I was angry. Possibly, I am still angry at that fact. Tell me you screwed up, tell me you had no right, tell me you are sorry and that you are a fool, but don’t act like you are innocent because that means you don’t care what you did. It probably was more hurtful that she lied to my face and downplayed the things she told them, but eventually, it turned to anger and I was done. Nothing could reverse her first reactions because in those first moments, it was clear she didn’t care. It makes me mad. Yes, we all screw up. We all make mistakes. Own up to it because it shows you care.

If I can say anything about Josh in this hard time, it is that he has tormented himself because he does care so much about our family and our friendship. Countless times he has said, “If I just didn’t love you so much, it would be so much easier.” He hurts when I hurt. He’s sad when the kids ask questions that they shouldn’t even know to ask at this time in their lives. He cries when I cry. He is terrified and looking out for my future above his own. Luckily, I know Josh cares, so it has not been an issue that might make me angry.

Again, my life today is not the way I had envisioned it to be. Clearly, I never would have wished this on me, or anyone, for that matter. This is tough. This is not easy. But, I have no complaints and no regrets. So, no, I am not angry.