Writers Block

So, it's been awhile since I've really blogged. It's not because I didn't have things to say, but instead because I didn't want to share the things that have been on my mind. I've been in a miserable state of "it's not fair!!" lately. Yes, like your typical 2-year old tantrum of "it's not fair!!!". Even though my mom was your typical "who ever told you life was fair?" kind of mom, I still revert back to my 2-year old self and want what I want! My mom had several other signature lines (one's I swore as a kid I'd never use and yet maybe just sometimes I slip up and use them on my kids because they are ingrained in the cells of my body) for instance when I'd say "I'm bored" she'd answer by saying "only boring people can get bored" or when I'd say "can I have...." she'd say "someday!"..........uhhhhh I'm still waiting for "someday" mom!!! Now, here I sit, still not understanding why life is not fair!!!

I know you know where I'm going with this. The whole: we loved our baby more than life, had dreams and plans and hope for his future. We were ready for him and waited for him and loved him before he was even in our arms. We saw and felt how "right" he was for us. The "perfect ending" to this family. Our last hoorah, our little man, our passion. I know you know how we felt when we lost him. Like: our world was shattered. Our fear of how the other kids would handle this pain, the loss and absence of Tait's presence. Realizing he was never really "our" baby. The anger surrounding the social services system and the confusing question that can never be answered, "who is the systems best interest for anyway?" I know the things I haven't shared but have felt to my core like: how can people still be laughing, we lost a baby! why are you reacting like it's not as hard since he was adopted instead of biological, we still lost our baby? If the flowers that just bloomed in your garden come up missing, it's only because I can't see this world as "pretty" right now. No, I don't care about all the milestones your baby is hitting and I don't care where you got his/her latest adorable outfit! ....... Yes, I know I've shared, thought, and felt these things until you don't want to hear and read about them anymore and yet......it's all I can think about to write. It's an official writers block.

Funny, how I can think of nothing to say and yet.....

Josh: Loves his job and although I practically throw up in my mouth every time he says it, daily he states "I love it here, this is the best thing we've ever done!" and nauseatingly I have to agree.

EmmaLeigh: Just had soccer try-outs and made one of the best competitive teams here for her age group.

Kaidon: Has found out that Tennis comes naturally to him and he spends more time practicing and playing than he does any other thing right now.

Mihya: Is still strumming away on her guitar and can harmonize with her daddy so well that often our home is filled with her beautiful happy voice. She is also thrilled that she was accepted into an all girls class for next year (a fit for such a princess as she).

Graysie: Just finished her season with swim team and much to our surprise backstroke was her best event and she even took second place at her last meet.

Mikael: Also, just finished the season of swim team and improved more than I could have ever imagined on the first day when he belly-flopped into the pool. He proved the saying "where there's a will, there's a way" because odds were definitely against him. He even took 4th in one event at his last meet and was full of pride!

Kayela: Can read and write like a 1st grader now that she is finished with Kindergarten:) Her vocabulary is still progressing at lightening speed much to our dismay.

As for me....I've signed up for nursing school and am thrilled to be starting another chapter in my life. I'm running like a hyena training for a marathon in December and I've read more books in two weeks than I have in the 3 months since we've moved here. I'm planning on doing my own "reviews" when I don't have my nose in the pages.

So, I guess I shouldn't have writer's block with so much to say but maybe when "someday" comes I will have more on my mind than losing the sweetest guy who completed this family.