Things I LOVE!

I hate my days without Tait. My house is empty and quiet five years before I wanted it to be. All my dreams of what would come was destroyed the day we found out he wasn't staying. Our love poured out to him like a faucet, even when we knew he wasn't ours any longer. I'm not sure most people get that just because I wasn't pregnant for nine months didn't mean we didn't love him fully as if he were our own. From the moment I looked into those big green eyes, I saw MY baby! I saw my baby every time he smiled and showed his giant dimpled cheeks. When he cried, I felt his pain and when he whimpered I knew exactly what he was telling me. We wanted Tait long before he ever existed and long before most of you know. We planned on Tait for six years before we actually held him in our arms and called him ours. What we didn't plan on was losing him. What we didn't plan on, was how bad this hurt would be for us.

Daily, hourly and minute by minute we are reminded of our loss. We are reminded of things that will never be again. When I wake the kids in the morning I think about how they should have to be quiet because we shouldn't want to wake the baby. When we go on a walk I am seeing all the great things Tait would love to look at and the fact that we no longer need a stroller. At the grocery store I pass the diaper isle when I should need to be there for another good year. When I set the table we are missing a high chair and no one needs their food cut up in bite size pieces. Getting in and out of the car I am thinking about how I am no longer needed to buckle a car seat or to shade the sun. Josh got a call thanking us for our support of the adoption exchange and he told me a whole story about how they said we were wonderful parents and thanked us for our donation and the whole time he was telling me, I was lost in the thought of "if we are so great, why didn't we deserve to keep our baby?". On cloudy days I am thinking how great it would be to be playing with Taits train on the floor with him and on sunny days I think about how he would love to go on a walk. I miss his sister who said she didn't want another baby because she didn't like them and changed her mind the second she looked at him. When we talk about the beach I remember how he hated the cold ocean water when we were in California and how he loved the feeling of sand in his toes. I miss seeing his over protective sister loving him and reading books to him in her bed while he sat just staring at her. When the kids get home from school and I am the only one greeting them, I wonder if they miss his squeals of delight when they walk through the door. I miss that he had a 12 year old sister who adored him and loved taking showers with him and would act like his second parent. I miss his smell and his cry and his double jointed thumbs. I think about how he must feel like we didn't want him because we couldn't tell him we did, we so did! I saw a bird get hit by a car yesterday and I cried and cried because I related to flying along happily one minute and the very next moment realizing you were headed for disaster. Secretly I'm grateful that we no longer have a rocking chair in our house even though I know it's "therapy" for Josh, because Tait used to sit on Josh's lap and shove back to get Josh moving, and I would have to remember that each time I saw him rock. I miss his big brother who wrestled with him and would let Tait beat him up. Every thought is consumed with Tait and how I miss his presence in our family, how I miss him more than anyone would ever know by looking at me.

With every thought wrapped around such sadness I am having to make concentrated efforts to focus on the things I love. Focusing on the things that I still have and need to cherish because God only knows how long I will have them. I need to focus on these things daily, hourly and minute by minute to keep me headed in the right direction and to keep me grateful for the many things I am so privileged to have. So here's to all the things in my life that are blissful, wonderful and give me a reason to smile each day. These are the things I LOVE:

• When Josh calls throughout his work day to share his successes, failures and triumphs...I love this!
• When Emma laughs out loud at my blog....I love this!
• When Kayela has a compliment for each person she comes in contact with...I love this!
• That my nieces are adopted...I love this!
• How Kaidon was graced with a servants heart...I love this!
• Knowing Josh tries not to wake me up in the morning...I love this!
• How Mihya has a love for all creatures, so much so that it's hard to please her at meal times.....I love this!
• How my brother interacts with his boys....I love this!
• My friendship with Pam....I love this!
• Seeing Mikael trying to hold his smile in...I love this!
• Watching how Amanda cherishes her role as a mommy, and knowing she loves Graysie too....I love this!
• Watching down syndrome kids and how they are always joyful...I love this!
• Knowing we finally did what we always said we were going to do.....I love this!
• Realizing I have freedom of speech and many other freedoms most people don't have...I love this!
• Knowing when I leave the room P.D. will follow me.....I love this!
• Getting comments on my blog....I love this!
• laughing with my kids about things no one else thinks is funny....I love this!
• Taking vacations I dreamed about as a kid...I love this!
• Emma being everything I wished I was as a person....I love this!
• Knowing Graysie is always so happy that she can't help but skip and dance....I love this!
• Getting texts from my friends kids saying we've impacted their lives.....I love this!
• Being able to laugh at myself when everyone else is shaking their head in disbelief......I love this!
• How I know when my dad is at work because I get flooded with emails....I love this!
• Ichat...I love this!
• Cracking up over what people will share on facebook!....I love this!
• Rain storms that flood the streets...I love this!
• Hosting parties...I love this!
• Hand written letters....I love this!
• Little girls in big bows......I love this!
• Disney....I love this!
• Knowing that when Josh's eyes meet mine he knows if I'm about to laugh or cry.....I love this!
• Looking at old pictures.....I love this!

Just a few of the many reasons to keep smiling today!